The Plantain

15,000 Missing Florida Ballots Uncovered By Mystery Mustachioed Man

A mysterious mustacioed man going only by the name "Not Bill Nelson" claims to have uncovered a box containing 15,000 missing Florida ballots.

The discovery throws another wrench into an already wrenchy election. In a very tight race, Florida Governor Rick Scott narrowly beat Democratic Astronaut and Senator Bill Nelson for a Senate seat by such a small margin that the state requires a hand recount. "We just want to make sure every vote is counted," said Senator Bill Nelson, who was suspiciously sporting a mustache."

The Plantain asked Mr. Nelson about his new facial hair, to which the 76 year old Senator said he was trying out a new look to be groovy like the kids in Easy Rider. He then excused himself for a moment and returned back without his whiskers.

"There, much better. Much more Senatorial, right? Now can we please get this recount underway? I hear some good Samaritan found a bunch of new ballots."

The Plantain spoke to Governor Rick Scott about his thoughts on the recount, to which he responded in parseltongue: "This is an effort by unethical liberals to steal the election" to which the entire State was like "Chill dude, just let them recount, you're probably gonna still win anyway."

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Milo is the Editor of the Plantain. He went to college.
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