2017 Dies After Overdose

Tragedy struck today as at approximately 11:59 PM , the year 2017 passed away from an overdose of the drug fentanyl. Those close to the year say it had been struggling with a series of recent incidents.

We spoke with 2017’s personal friend, Sylvester Stallone, who had this to say “Well when you gotta go, you gotta go. Had a lot of problems that one. Lotta problems. More drugs than problems though.”

People had been putting a lot of what happened on 2017’s shoulders, but it wasn’t their fault. People were saying how awful 2017 was because of the tax bill or the hurricanes, when they had nothing to do with each other! The constant pressure and criticism along with people saying they could never live up to their late, yet troubled, sibling 2016 is likely what sent 2017 down the path to addiction.

The family of 2017 we're not available for comment, but released a short statement “As we all mourn the loss of 2017, let us not forgot all the good it brought into our lives. I mean….there was….uhhh. Well all those sexual predators being exposed is kind of a good thing, as long as they face justice. Besides that there was….I want to say something about rescuing dogs? I’m starting to understand why 2017 was doing drugs.”

As millions gather to mourn the sudden loss of 2017, many look optimistically to 2017’s young upstart child 2018 as a potential replacement. 2018 is a recent graduate of Hampshire College, majoring in women's studies. It remains to be seen whether 2018 can handle the rigors of being a full calendar year, but some remain hopeful. Others are skeptical of 2018’s abilities, “Young nobody don’t have a goddamn clue what they doing!”, said retired year 1976 to Plantain reporters. “It's all going to go to hell in a handbasket, the millennial years have just been getting worse and worse. Wouldn’t have gotten this bad back in my day.”

The funeral for 2017 will be held at Caballero Rivera, but not the one next to Versailles, the other one.

By Daniel Jimenez