A decade late to the party, 36-year-old Sara Yousuf has decided to give up a life full of contentment and meaningful friendships and join Facebook.
Sara was thrilled to find the airbrushed faces of childhood-friends and mom’s friends. “It’s like having all of life’s reunions all at once.”
Well-known in the field of astrophysics, Sara was surprised to find herself posting selfies captioned with inspirational quotes within the hour.
“Any minute now,” she exclaimed. “Approval.”
Sara surprised herself with how much she savored peeking-in on her struggling exes, all of whom were now assistant managers at Best Buy for some reason.
Still new to the platform, Sara strained to understand whether her posts about T.J. Maxx’s draconian return policy were being liked ironically or ronically.
Sara was particularly startled by the column of banner ads appearing to the right of her newsfeed that mocked her with items she had the self-control to remove from her Amazon cart that morning.
Within 3 days, Sara averaged 25 Facebook logins per day, time formerly dedicated to enjoying the company of loved-ones and practicing basic self-care. Resolved to residing in a new crowded-but-lonely brainscape, Sara exhaled, “Facebook is easy, but happiness is exhausting.”