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Amazon Picks Miami As Location For Executive Party Celebrating Picking Virginia and NY as New HQ Site

Miamians were thrilled to find out that the world's biggest company Amazon had chosen it as the location for its executive Christmas party. "We think Miami is the perfect place to spend a few days, and only a few days, to celebrate our choosing Virginia and NY as the site for the Company's new headquarters," said Jeff Bezos, who spent part of his childhood in Miami, but doesn't really think it's a very nice place to live.

Amazon's decision to host their Christmas party in Miami will reportedly result in tens-of-thousands of dollars to the County's economy in the form of hotel fees and bottle services, as well as airline fees derived from flights from Miami to Amazon's new headquarters in Northern Virginia and Long Island City.

Miami had petitioned Amazon to be the home of its new headquarters. Mr. Bezos reportedly thought the City's efforts to attract Amazon were "really super cute" but cited the City's horrible transit system, its non-stop traffic, its lack of skilled technical workers (check out our photoshop as an example of the lack of talent), and its continual practice of approving useless stadiums over green spaces as reasons why Miami wasn't a good fit to be an Amazon headquarter. Mr. Bezos also said he thought it was doubtful Miami would be above water in 50-years, to which Governor Senator Rick Scott put his fingers in his ears while whispering instructions to a financial adviser to buy 30,000 shares of Amazon stock.

"It's not the result we wanted," said Mayor Carlos Gimenez, "but Miami can use this defeat as a teachable moment."

When asked whether Amazon's decision would cause the County to focus more money on improving its infrastructure and climate change problems in the hopes of attracting other large companies to Miami, the Mayor said he would. "I think if we had a Major League Soccer team and maybe another baseball stadium or two we would have been chosen."

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Milo is the Editor of the Plantain. He went to college.
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