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Amendment 1 Aims to Protect Floridians from Wild and Out of Control Sun

As Facebook feeds across the nation buzz with fake news stories about the presidential election, many forget that they will also have to vote on matters outside of the presidency on November 8th. One question facing Florida voters is Amendment 1, the utility backed amendment that purports to safeguard Floridians’ right to solar energy but in actuality would make if much more difficult for those able to utilize solar energy to gain energy independence from the electric companies. But according to utility company lobbyists, Amendment 1 is actually aimed at protecting Floridians from the harmful effects of a wild, out of control sun, and untrustworthy Sun.

The Plantain spoke with lobbyist Franciso Raud who said that not passing Amendment 1 puts the children of Florida at grave risk. “Amendment 1’s opponents want to have a sun with no accountability. But have you seen what the sun does to people? It burns people. It causes melanoma. It ruins brunches by making you sweat through your shirt. I'm not saying that the sun a pedophile, but we all know the rumors. Amendment 1's aim is to make sure that there are regulations in place so that the sun can be appropriately restrained in a way that doesn’t harm our bottom line, er…I mean the Kids! Yeah, that’s the ticket. The kids. That's what I meant to say and that is, indeed what I did say!”

Numerous lawn signs have come out against Amendment 1 with claims that its language is misleading and would, if passed, cripple third party solar companies and force many to stay dependent on the existing utilities. Supporters of Amendment 1 have responded by saying that “the language is perfectly easy to understand you idiots” and also “shut up.”

The controversial ballot language is the result of a narrow 4-3 decision by Florida’s Supreme Court who ruled that the obviously misleading language was, in fact, not misleading. When asked why he voted to place the confusing Amendment on the ballot, one judge who spoke on the condition of anonymity replied “They were gonna turn off the power to my house! I’m on dialysis for Christ’s sake.”

The Plantain met with the celestial body at the center of this controversy, the Sun, at his Orlando condo and asked how the controversy around Amendment 1 has affected him. 

“It’s terrible! All I ever do is try to brighten everybody’s days just to have the power companies come along to act like I’m trying to harm people! Have you seen those crazy mailers they are sending to my neighbors? Do you even know how hard I work? I wake up at the crack of dawn, literally every day of my life. I swear sometimes I think about just hanging it all up and moving back to Tahoe with Jill and just living the easy life. Let’s see how evil they think I am when they can’t see shit.”

As for lobbyist Francis Raud, he is unpersuaded by the Sun’s complaints that he is being mischaracterized. “The Sun thinks the whole world revolves around him.”

By Daniel Jimenez