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Beckham to Bring Jobs, Riots, to Miami

It's a great day for sports fans in this city, as David Beckham has gotten the green light from Major League Soccer to form a franchise in Miami. Citizens are elated, not only at the prospect of the city getting its own team in the world’s most popular sport but at the inevitable civil unrest that will most likely accompany any losses or wins the team gets.

“I’ve waited years for this!”, said Enrique Santos, local food truck chef. “I remember my first riot when I was just ten years old back in Argentina. We won 3-2 against Colombia, and I helped my father burn down a hospital. That same night my father was beaten to death by other fans while I watched. I can’t wait to make lasting memories like that with my son. I just hope we don’t have a stupid name like the Blowfish or the Lemurs. No one wants to hear that Lemur fans blew up a public school."

The new stadium is already scheduled to be built in Overtown, leaving plenty of potential targets for future fans to loot, set fire to, or generally vandalize after either the joy of winning or the despair of losing. In response local business owners have happily fled in mass, wishing whoever attempts to gentrify the neighborhood luck in rebuilding continually over the next few years.

We caught up with the architect of all this eventual destruction, David Beckham. “After reading that Miami has the worst road rage in the country, I realized there was enough raw emotion here to power sports riots rivaling Philadelphia. Soon everyone in Miami will experience the delight of watching a game boil over into a series of violent episodes that tear at the very fabric of society. Leaving countless lives ruined forever? It's gonna be great! ” Plans to erect the stadium are underway, with several major companies already vowing to never insure it.

Written by Daniel Jimenez