The Plantain
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Bloody Turf War Between FIU and Miami Youth Fair

By Dirk O'Dowel

Land Dispute Sours Sweetwater

In a shocking turn of events, the disagreement between the Miami-Dade Youth Fair and Florida International University (FIU) has reached levels of violence unheard of over small land disputes. It’s no secret that both harbor ill feelings, as FIU has sought for many years to expand into the land commonly used by the Youth Fair.

Tensions came to a head yesterday when FIU security guard Anthony Jacobs was gunned down as he was leaving the university campus after completion of a work shift. The gunman is unknown. However, nailed to Jacobs’ chest were several leaflets for the Youth Fair, an indicator of who may have been responsible. One of the Youth Fair’s representatives, Tony Gulachi, told The Plantain, “I don’t know nothing about that security guard--but seems to me we live in very dangerous times. You know, when certain organizations feel threatened, they act out. Can’t be helped. Maybe if the university wasn’t so keen on taking what’s ours, stuff like this wouldn’t happen. Who knows?”

“You fuck with us we come back tenfold!”

The news has become a heated issue at FIU with many calling for retaliation. “Those cocksuckers think they can do this and get away with it?!” said Elizabeth Bejar, FIU Vice President of Academic Affairs. “This is motherfuckin’ FIU. You fuck with us we come back tenfold! I pray to god the cops don’t get to the killer before we can--because this is personal. Blood has been spilled, and this shit ain’t over ‘til we spill some of theirs!”

Clearly relations between the two Miami institutions are strained, yet local residents seem oddly oblivious to it. Prior to his strange disappearance, The Plantain spoke with local homeowner Ricardo Miro who stated, “Are you people crazy, are you trying to get us both killed?! I didn’t hear anything! I didn't see anything! Do not use my name! Okay?! Do not use my name!!”

It seems the two sides cannot find a compromise, as FIU is insistent on claiming the land the Youth Fair has used since 1971. “We get what we want. It's just a matter of time,” said FIU President Mark Rosenberg. “What happened to Security Guard Jacobs was….unfortunate. It will be dealt with, I can assure you. His family, in the meantime, will be taken care of—FIU protects its own. I’m sure the Youth Fair thinks this was a wise choice, but they will learn what a mistake it was...a very grave mistake. You see, the Fair is the past--they’re over. We are the future--and you can’t fight progress.”

Authorities have cautioned residents of Sweetwater and Westchester to stay clear of the university and the fairgrounds after dark until further notice, and to try to ignore the sound of gunshots.