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Brickell Residents Discover Jumping to Their Death Is Quicker Than Taking the Elevator

A dangerous new trend is gaining momentum among residents of Brickell’s famous and lavishly overpriced high rises: jumping out of the windows rather than waiting for the impressively slow elevator to arrive.

As the city with the highest disparity between average income and rent in the entire nation, Miamians are accustomed to the reality that almost none of their rent is spent on building quality properties or fixing that elevator that has been down since you’ve moved in. Indeed, residents of Brickell’s many high rises have long complained that they frequently experience waits for elevators that go toe-to-toe with the release dates for the Game of Thrones book series, leaving Brick Heads with a daunting wait to get to work or the bank to cash daddy’s check.

Becky Bellagio, an innovative young Brickell blogger who goes by the name ‘Basic Beck’ has proposed a genius solution: jump to your death! Becky unfortunately did not reply to our queries, but her neighbor had this to say about her inventive solution:

“Everyone’s doing it now; it’s simply ingenious. We’ve all contemplated suicide while standing in front of the cheaply made elevator button you’ve jabbed at a hundred times, feeling your life stretch out in front of you and wondering if this building is really worth the $3,800 a month your dad is paying for you to live there. I’ve genuinely thought of killing myself every time I’ve stood in front of the elevator because I thought the only alternative was literally dying of old age waiting for it to arrive. By jumping out of the window you get to die on your own terms while making it to the ground floor in record time!”

Published in loving memory of Ángel Saxon, who died tragically at the foot of a seafront high rise in Brickell shortly after turning in this article to his editor. His studio on the 14th floor of the Viceroy is available for $4,100/month. For inquiries please contact his landlord 姓名.

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Milo is the Editor of the Plantain. He went to college.
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