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Local Man Sorrowfully Ponders Life Choices That Led Him To Pizza Buffet

By Daniel Jimenez

Sources close to The Plantain have reported that local Lyft driver, Lance Sanchez, is currently mulling over all the mistakes he made in life that lead him to eat at the Cici’s Pizza located off of 117th Avenue. “I don’t understand how this is the news? Are you guys really a newspaper? I’m not sad about eating here so often, why would I be sad?” said Mr. Sanchez in between bites of his eighth slice of pizza.

Management informed The Plantain that Mr. Sanchez frequents the buffet, despite their best efforts. We talked with one of the busboys, Gabriel Smithe, who told us, “We’ve tried to help him--suggested maybe he eat somewhere else, or try going to night school. We pointed out there is a salad bar—it’s not for display purposes. He’ still young--he could get a nursing degree. But no matter what, he always comes back here. I feel like I’m watching him slowly die. I can understand the people that come here every so often…hell, even the people that bring their kids. I just can’t imagine what he’s been through that makes him eat here every day of the week.”

"A guy can eat at a pizza buffet as long as he wants! Stop trying to make it sound sad!"

An attempt was made to get more background on Mr. Sanchez; we contacted his parents and past friends. Both his parents were shocked he was still alive, saying they hadn’t spoken to him in fifteen years. The last time they spoke, they said, Lance was starting a job selling steak knives. Then he just ceased all contact. “Please, tell my boy we still love him. We don’t care what mistakes he’s made. He can come home,” said a tearful Mrs. Sanchez. The Plantain was unable to find any friends. Lance Sanchez stated himself that he is still feuding with his former War Hammer guild, and after the Bethany incident is no longer allowed at the Arby’s just a few blocks away.

Normally, reporters at The Plantain try to have a sense of detachment from stories, in order to maintain journalistic integrity. But after hearing Lance Sanchez’s story we were moved enough to offer him a job cleaning our offices. Unfortunately, he refused saying, “I’m fine, okay! I just like eating here, what wrong with everyone? A guy can eat at a pizza buffet as long as he wants! There's no law against it. Stop trying to make it sound sad!”

Since the writing of this article, Cici’s Pizza has obtained an injunction to bar Mr. Sanchez from eating there, claiming it constitutes self-harm.

Daniel Jimenez is a staff writer for The Plantain.