The following is an excerpt from Michael Cohen’s unpublished Manuscript, Michael Cohen’s Super Guide to Lawyer Successfulness
Hey everyone! Great job picking up my book, you got some good taste. Now I imagine you were drawn to this particular book because you want to be a big-time lawyer, much like myself. Well if you just follow the easy steps I lay out, you’ll be in court in no time! Before we get into the nitty-gritty legal stuff, remember the five biggest rules for any lawyer.
1. You have to connect with your clients.
It's not enough to just represent your clients, you have to treat them like family. You have to make sure they can tell you anything, even if it seems like stuff they shouldn't be telling anyone. Don’t worry, no matter what crimes they confess, or documents they ask you to hide, or strange coolers they ask you to bury in the woods, it's all protected by a magical thing called attorney-client privilege. Attorney-client privilege is a force field that means when the police come knocking, you can say “Nuh uh”.
2. Never take on too many clients.
Stress can be the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer. You want to make sure that you don’t take on a workload that unreasonable. Some lawyers attempt to have up to five or six clients! That’s crazy! Now, most of these guys usually burn out and end up quitting the profession to become realtors, so you want to keep your client number manageable. Two or three clients a year is the accepted limit in the profession. Remember, you work to live but you don’t live to work.
3. The library is your best friend.
Some so-called big shots waste hundreds of thousands of dollars going to pretentious ivy league schools, and that's money that could be in your pocket right now! A much cheaper alternative is the public library, they have all the books you need to read and understand the law and pass the big test that makes you a lawyer. Fun fact: you can take that lawyer test as many times as you want until you pass! That means the key to becoming a lawyer is just perseverance, keep coming back to your local library to study and you’ll be practicing law before you know it.
4. Eat a balanced breakfast.
I know I sound like your mom right now, but you should always start your day with a hearty breakfast. It can be the small thing that gives you an edge against the prosecution. Many prosecutors take their jobs so seriously, they stay up all night to prepare and miss breakfast! This means they won’t have nearly as much energy as you. Sometimes they might even fall asleep in the middle of court, which is a sure sign that you are winning the case.
5. Always make a motion to dismiss.
In law talk, making a motion to dismiss means politely asking the man in black robes to please not have a trial. Most of the time they will ask "why?", in which case you just say nevermind. But if you are really lucky, you’ll make a motion to dismiss and the black robe person will grant it no questions asked! That means you get to go home early to watch cartoons. A motion to dismiss can be what keeps your client out of jail and your afternoons free.
Daniel Jimenez is an editor for The Plantain