The Plantain

Courthouse Illnesses Linked to 'Stranger Things'-style Experiments in Basement

Ongoing reports of mysterious illnessess at the Broward County Courthouse finally have an explanation, and courthouse staff are more terrified than ever.

A 14-month Plantain investigation found that a top-secret U.S. Department of Justice program in the courthouse basement to turn kidnapped children into telepathic lie-detecting machines has been leaking sickness-inducing extradimensional energies into the courthouse.

The investigation began after government tipsters passed along reports to Plantain reporters of a creature with a mouth for a head having eaten at least five attorneys, two paralegals and a local newspaper reporter in the courthouse parking garage.

Recent new visitors to the courthouse began to note in recent months a slight snowflake-like haze permeate the area, a haze that daily visitors had not actually noticed in part due to the pervasive fluorescent lighting throughout the building.

"We are examining the unconfirmed effects of this alleged interdimensional tear and these extremely far-fetched reports of some attorney-eating creature roaming the premises," said county administrator Louis Hagan. "In the meantime, courthouse employees are still of course expected to report to work."

By Manuel Del Fango IV

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Milo is the Editor of the Plantain. He went to college.
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