"No! No! No! No! I don't want to go! MOM!" cried a four-year-old Guatemalan child in Spanish seconds after being forcibly taken from his parents as they attempted to cross the Mexican border into the United States. "Cheer up, little hombre," said a border-patrol agent to the child as he dug a blackjack into his mother's shoulders so hard the desperate woman released her grip on her terrified son. "It's gonna be just like summer camp for you, you piece of shit," laughed the border agent as he winked to his chuckling colleague.
The Trump administration's controversial policy of separating children from their undocumented parents at the border and holding them in cages at Federal facilities has drawn much contemplation and criticism in recent weeks.
"Are we the baddies?" we all asked ourselves, finally acknowledging what we've suspected for a long while: Yes, we are the baddies.
"Slavery was bad, but it was like 200 years ago. And I guess racism is still a problem, but most cops are generally nice, right? My uncle was a cop and he went to prom with a black woman, and that was like the 70's, before it was cool. This is something else, though. I guess America really is the bad guy now," said a smaller percentage of White America than we would have liked.
The "camp" remark came after a twitchy chain-smoking reporter shouted "how can you do this?" at Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders repeatedly until he lost his voice. "These are concentration camps!" said the reporter, a remark which finally elicited a response from Trump's mouthpiece.
"Look, it is like a summer camp for them," said Ms. Huckabee Sanders in what would be the start to the type of twangy incoherent statement we hear every day. "And sometimes concentration is a good thing. You don't think Einstein had to concentrate when he was doing his math equations? And isn't it the liberals who are always going on about ADHD? Their answer to everything is more drugs, like Adderall, but this President and this administration is interested in Making America Great Again™ by doing things like closing the borders and fighting prescription drug addiction and ending this war against summer camp."
Seconds after Ms. Huckabee Sanders' comments, FOX News ran a story about Trump being considered for the Nobel Peace Prize for his humanitarian efforts on behalf of Latin American children, citing as an example the $3.2 billion dollars ICE spends a year identifying, arresting, and detaining undocumented immigrant, which has officially been rebranded as the "Trump's America is super generous and accommodating and definitely not terrifying or horrific camp fund."
As part of the rebranding effort, an emergency appropriation bill was passed allocating an additional $4.2 million dollars to a cabinet secretary's childhood best friend for t-Shirts for the imprisoned children to wear.
When asked about the t-shirts, Trump commented that you couldn't have camp without t-shirts.
"You need them for color war," said the President. "And we're definitely gearing up for a big color war this summer."