Researchers at the University of Miami (8th seed) Medical School, in partnership with Duke University (2nd seed) and John’s Hopkins (unranked), have partnered to successfully develop a cure for March Madness.
The disorder, first discovered in 1939, affects more than 30 million people every year and can cause symptoms such as mood swings, loss of productivity, intimacy issues, and weight gain. “I just hate to see him like this,” said Maria Jordan about her husband Johnathan. “He is usually so attentive and loving, but every March he becomes a real asshole and stops paying attention to me.”
The Plantain spoke to Maria’s husband and lifelong Jayhawk (1st seed) fanatic Jonathan Jordan about how March Madness has impacted his life, but could only get him to make fleeting eye contact with us as he muttered something about Butler (4th seed) being overrated. “I love Maria, but this is March Madness. She understands. Go Jayhawks!” smiled an excited Jonathan before returning to fiddling with his bracket in the middle of the workday.
The new drug, called Valvanify, offers hope to Maria and millions like her by inhibiting dopamine receptors and causing recipients to stop caring about college athletics, or really anything for that matter.
We caught up with Jonathan shortly after his first dose of Valvanify and asked him who he had for his Final Four. “What does it matter,” whispered Jonathan. “We’re all going to die anyway. Who cares about college basketball. No one even knows where Gonzaga is.”
Valvanify’s side effects include suicidal thoughts and actions, dizziness, nausea, bloody stool, and muscle aches, but the results speak for themselves.
“We’ve never been happier,” said Maria as she sat on the couch with her husband to watch something she wants to watch for a change as he lethargically stared off into the distance.
“It’s just so nice to have my husband back! I just hated having to worry about him screaming about his bracket busting all the time,” said Maria.
“You don’t have to worry about that anymore,” droned Jonathan as he sat dizzy and nauseated next to his wife of 13-years feeling absolutely nothing inside.