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Don Bailey Names Don Bailey ‘Sexiest Man Alive’

Following the polarizing reaction PEOPLE Magazine’s picking Blake Shelton as Sexiest Man Alive, local carpet and flooring salesman Don Bailey, 86, suggested a more suitable candidate for the title – himself.

Known for his company’s steamy decades-old advertisement, Bailey’s naked rippling body has become the stuff of legend throughout South Florida.

“This Blake Shelton guy is nothing to come home to,” Bailey said, expressing his disinterest in PEOPLE Magazine choosing the Voice star as 2017’s Sexiest Man Alive. “Not only am I a self-made man but I’m still slim and sexy after all these years.”

When reached for further comment, Bailey pointed to a recent string of advertisements featuring a more withered, aged version of the man seen in his company’s advertisements. He claims it is the result of a pact he made with a shadowy figure at the crossroads of a rural intersection.

“I know a good deal when I see one. Take it from someone who’s been in the carpet business for close to 50 years,” Bailey said, laughing about the supernatural agreement. “I don’t think Mr. Hoity-Toity Country Superstar could land a deal for eternal youth.”

Bailey shared the specifics of his pact, including that he would remain a “hot and horny stud muffin” for all of eternity while the image in his advertisements would experience the passage of time in his place.

“The whole selling-your-soul part was easy,” Bailey said. “The bitch of it was finding the intersection where this guy wanted to meet.”

Despite his everlasting youth and infinite opportunities to secure the title in the future, Bailey shared his dismay with PEOPLE Magazine choosing Blake Shelton as this year’s Sexiest Man Alive.

“Even if I didn’t trade my soul for eternal youth, I’d still be a hell of a lot sexier than that guy,” Bailey said.

By Rico Rothstein

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Milo is the Editor of the Plantain. He went to college.
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