In a Plantain exclusive, reporter Ángel Saxon (who is me, by the way, but in the third person) has confirmed that Donald Trump has Seasonal Affective Disorder, otherwise known by the acronym SAD. The revelation comes after moments of employing cutting edge investigative techniques such as looking up “SAD” on Wikipedia to conclude that the President is suffering from at least this mood disorder.
I also spoke to Dr. Rob Boblington, a graduate of the Adventist University of Health Sciences, who agreed to support my diagnosis.
“All the evidence lines up with your thesis” said the Doctor at the Checkers we met at for lunch. “In my overwhelmingly professional opinion, Mr. Trump is suffering from a rare subtype of SAD that actually develops in individuals exposed to too much light emanating from their vanity mirrors, cell phones, and the non-stop glare of cable news shows. Once afflicted, the skin turns a kind of vaguely unbelievable orange tint that can cause the victim to develop an incredible sense of hatred toward their fellow man and an inability to recognize when they are literally ruining the world,” said the Doctor as took a bite of a chicken sandwich, grimaced in disgust, and then took another bite.
I asked Dr. Boblington if the physical evidence was enough for him to put his professional seal of approval on the diagnosis.
“The diagnoses is based on far more than what you see of Mr. Trump on TV. It also involves what you see on his Twitter! The President, who is known for his subtly, adds the acronym ‘SAD!’ to his tweets as an obvious, yet coded cry for help."
When asked why the President wouldn't just seek the help he so obviously needs, Dr. Boblington said he believed it was because his party disapproves discussions about mental health issues because it could lead to normal people saying things like "hey, maybe someone with a mental illness shouldn't own guns or have the codes to the United States' nuclear weapons."
By Ángel Saxon