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Donald Trump’s Twitter Account Testifies Before Senate Intelligence Committee

Unprecedented reports of Donald Trump's @realDonaldTrump Twitter account testifying before the Senate Intelligence Committee baffled the legal community on Friday. Speculation included whether the testimony would be considered that of a character witness, victim, or as some sort of accomplice to alleged collusion with foreign nations set on destabilizing American sensibilities.

Seated before the senate intelligence panelists, @realDonaldTrump initially appeared reluctant to speak, as though fearful of reprisal. It was not until Senator Angus King (I-Maine) urged the distressed feed to calmly go into more detail regarding its experiences with late-night rants and unrestricted retaliations that the vulnerable profile found its voice.

“Please elaborate,” King calmly advised. “And preferably explain what happened in more than 140 characters!”

To which @realDonaldTrump compulsively responded:

The confused and flabbergasted Twitter feed seemed surprised at its own outburst, as it shielded itself from waves of camera flashes and scribbling reporters’ pens.  It then leaned into the microphone and reluctantly stated:

@realDonaldTrump immediately broke into heaving sobs.   “We recognize you may not have been in control of the situation,” Senator King responded. “But you now have the opportunity to clarify your role in this matter.”   Senate aides shuffled in and out of chambers with boxes of tissues and taco bowls for the @realDonaldTrump, while it switched between emotional outbursts from its varied personalities. At times soothingly eager to be understood then lashing out with hostile defenses, the Twitter feed seemed determined to get the panel’s sympathy.

Pointing accusingly at King, @realDonaldTrump spat into the microphone:

To which Miami’s own Marco Rubio (R- Florida) appropriately responded: “Pero, Que?”

Senator King then followed up by asking if @realDonaldTrump felt incendiary and controversial language was in any way culpable for increased tensions along party lines or open hostilities among national groups.

“But Mr. President’s Twitter Feed,” Rubio interjected, “our sources suggest-”

Arkansas' Tom Cotton (R) threw a softball to the feed by asking if, in its opinion, social media had any influence on the election or on the integrity of the Trump campaign and subsequent administration.

“Seems hard to believe that @Facebook could be worth that much--” @realDonaldTrump contemplated:

“Yet President Trump has over 23 million followers on Facebook and you, @realDonaldTrump, have over 34 million!” Cotton exclaimed, eyes alight with eagerness for approval. “Surely those numbers speak for the president’s popularity and awesomeness. I dream of a time when all of The Internets have a totally homogenous following of @realDonaldTrump loving fans. And screw the rest of those sub-groups and dissenters!”

Despite King's interjections to determine if Senator Cotton actually had any questions for @realDonaldTrump, the Twitter feed confidently bolstered its own credibility against the mention of Trump’s critics.

As @realDonaldTrump paused for a moment to catch its breath and consider what it had just said, Senator King took the opportunity for one final challenge.

“Mr. @realDonaldTrump,” King declared. “Do you not consider the name calling, the commentary, and the criticism offered on social media a right to free and open expression offered by the Constitution you swore to uphold and protect upon taking office?”

Following this comment, King was overheard asking a staffer: “Did he just plug his own book and compare it to the Declaration?”
@realDonaldTrump promptly cleared its throat, knocked over its mic stand, and stormed out of the chambers while thunderously applauding itself. Following the historic testimony, the panel called upon Twitter’s co-founder Evan Williams to explain his platform’s role in potentially compromising the Oval Office. The profoundly influential media mogul simply shrugged his shoulders, hung his head, and said: "If it's true that he wouldn't be president if it weren't for Twitter, then yeah, I'm sorry."

By Bradford J. Treacle

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Milo is the Editor of the Plantain. He went to college.
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