The Plantain
latest

Fake President Bars Real News Organization from Fake News Conference

The news that Donald Trump banned The New York Times, Politco, and the legitimately awful CNN from attending the White House’s daily press briefings has been seen by many as an affront to the First Amendment. “This is an affront to the First Amendment!” said some New York Times reporter with a goatee after being forcibly tossed out of the front door of the White House like he was DJ Jazzy Jeff from Fresh Prince of Bel Air. “This isn’t fair!” said the Reporter. “Doesn’t he know how hard it is to be me?”

At the exact same time, but really a few minutes before the end of the preceding paragraph, President Donald Trump sat down behind his desk in the Oval Office and turned on MSNBC. “This is an affront to the First Amendment!” said some news anchor who the President thought was pretty attractive for a lesbian type, but really not very attractive at all since she criticized him on television, As the cable news station cut to a live feed the front of the White House it caught the Reporter being tossed outside. “This is an affront to the First Amendment!” said the reporter on the television. “This isn’t fair!” said President Trump to himself as he watched the schlubby looking journalist ham it up for the camera. “Doesn’t he know how hard it is to be me?” said the President…when suddenly something happened.

Instantly, the Reporter and the President began feeling nauseated. “I’m feeling nauseated,” said the Reporter to himself. “I’m feeling nauseous,” said the President. Suddenly, a flash of light appeared to both of them and then darkness.

When the Reporter opened his eyes he saw that he was inside the Oval Office. “Mr. President, did you want us to supersize that?” said an intern. “Uh, sure,” the Reporter responded. As he stood up he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror: He was Donald Trump.

Mr. Trump likewise found himself staring at the White House from outside its gate. “Hey, let me back in there! I’m Donald Trump” he yelled to no one in particular. “Let me in there, you losers!” said the President over and over again. Enough times that a crowd of protesters joined along.

When the Reporter finally came to his senses, ate the President’s Big Mac, and checked his penis just to see exactly what the guy was working with (it was depressingly large), the Reporter informed his staff that he had decided to open the Press Room to the New York Times and Politco again, but not CNN, who was legitimately awful. “You don’t have the authority to do that, sir,” said Steve Bannon. “I’m am the fucking President of the United States!” I can do whatever it is I want!” yelled the Reporter.

As the President, who you’ll remember from this highly original narrative is actually the Reporter, chanted from outside the White House gates he was stopped by a colleague. “Did you hear, Trump said you could come back to the press room tomorrow!” said the woman, who the President noted was pretty attractive. A D.C. 8, but a N.Y. 6. “What! He doesn’t have the authority to do that!” said the President to the Reporter’s bewildered associate. “What do you mean, he is the fucking President of the United States.”

The President spent the next several hour with the Reporter’s colleague. The two ate at a Tony Roma’s, which the President thought was okay but much, much worse than Le Bernardin. “So what are you going to ask the White House at the briefing tomorrow?” she asked the President. “I’ll think of something on the spot,” he said as he looked deep into the young woman’s eyes. As the President and the young woman arrived back at her apartment, they began to make love. “It’s smaller than I’m used to. But works much better,” thought the President to himself.

When the President showed up to the White House the next day he was led into the briefing room. “Good to see you’re back!” said a number of the other reporters. “Thank you,” said the President, who was, for the first time in years nervous.

As Sean Spicer walked in he announced that President Donald Trump would be addressing the press pool directly. As the Reporter walked in and stood behind the podium with the Presidential seal on it, the President fumed in his seat. “You’re an imposter!” the President yelled out. “You were never elected. This is an affront to democracy! You’re not the President! You're a so-called President! No one elected you!”

The Reporter stood in front of the room and watched as he berated himself. “I’m a whole hell of a lot better of a President than you’ve ever been,” he said to the President. “Now get the hell out of my White House,” said the Reporter as he signaled to the Secret Service to remove the President. “You’re a tyrant!” yelled the President. “I’m the President!” responded the Reporter.

The President was forcibly tossed out of the front door of the White House like he was DJ Jazzy Jeff from Fresh Prince of Bel Air. “This isn’t fair!” said the President. “Doesn’t he know how hard this is for me?”

At the exact same time, but really a few minutes before the end of the preceding paragraph, the Reporter sat back down behind the desk in the Oval Office and turned on MSNBC. “This is an affront to the First Amendment!” said some news anchor about the Reporter tossing out what appeared to be a New York Times Reporter from the briefing room again. As the cable news station cut to a live feed the front of the White House it caught the President being tossed outside. “This isn’t fair!” said the Reporter as he watched the schlubby looking President ham it up for the cameras. “Doesn’t he know how hard this is for me?” said the Reporter…when suddenly something happened.