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FDOT Approves Express Lane For Express Lane

As a response to widespread complaints about constant, standstill traffic on South Florida's highways, the Florida Department of Transportation has approved a multi-billion dollar contract that will create an additional "Express Express Lane" that will give commuters the option of avoiding traffic for a "exorbitant fee."

The general public will lose one general purpose lane in order to accommodate the expressier lane, a loss an FDOT spokesperson says will be "more than made up for" by the gains of efficiencies commuters who chose to pay to use the Express Express Lane will see.

While many poor activists driving low-end Nissans or Hondas complain that South Florida's gridlock has actually been exacerbated by the use of so-called "Lexus Lanes", FDOT, citing Ayn Rand, disagrees, saying that giving the public the option of paying more to get where they want to go faster is really "the bedrock principal behind our democracy, and if you don't believe that then you must be a communist, you communist."

"I hate communism!" said an elderly Cuban man that never leaves 8th Street, who adamantly supports the new lanes.

Commuters wishing to use the Express Express Lane will have to register in advance and are subject to a credit check and must demonstrate they have an annual income of $200,000 a year or more, or have at least $1 Million in savings. Annual Express Express Lane fees are $4,000 on top of a per-use fee of $33. Other perks available for Express Lane Express Lane commuters includes access to American Airlines Flagship Lounges, free parking at Merrick Park, and an all-black Sunpass that actually works.

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Milo is the Editor of the Plantain. He went to college.
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