The Plantain
latest

Florida Boy Wonders If There is More to Life Than Becoming "Florida Man"

In the suburbs of Coconut Grove, 17-year-old Ethan Dwyer is contemplating life on the cusp of adulthood and wondering if there is more to it than one day being identified as “Florida Man.”

A pejorative distinction in American society, the term “Florida Man” has become synonymous with the type of preternaturally bizarre behavior displayed by the State’s most inept, and often highest, residents.

Florida Man Hiding from Police in Canal Loses Arm to Alligator

Florida Man Covers Himself in Ashes, Says He’s a 400-year-old Indian, Crashes Stolen Car

Florida Man Tries to Steal Python, Puts it Down His Pants

“I just don’t know if this is something I want for my life,” said Ethan after coming to the horrifying realization while sitting in his AP Philosophy class that soon, he too, would be a “Florida Man.”

“We were learning about what Seneca said about The Shortness of Life and about Nietzsche’s Will to Power, and it struck me: Maybe I didn’t need to be a “Florida Man” after all. I could just leave.”

But the decision is not an easy one, Ethan admits. “I’ll be the first to concede that Florida is kind of gross, but it is still home and will always be part of me. I would miss it if I left.”

Ethan’s father, Dr. Harold P. Dwyer, is insistent that his son leave the state after he graduates high-school.

“The last thing I want for my son is for him to have to call himself a Floridian,” Dr. Dwyer said while thumbing through the latest copy of The National Review. “Nothing but meth heads, snake people, and hurricanes around here,” said the Boston native who moved his family to Florida 5-years ago and has watched with horror as Ethan started to adopt what Dr. Dwyer considers to be “Floridian traits.”

“When we first moved from Massachusetts, Ethan was a perfectly normal boy. But being exposed to over 5-years of Florida rubs off on a kid,” said Dr. Dwyer with remorse. “At first I ignored Ethan's insistence on wearing cargo shorts and his affinity toward rap-metal, but when he asked us to buy him a snake I knew he was in real danger of becoming a "Florida Man". He needs to get out before its too late."

“I guess I’ll buy some skinny jeans and try to move somewhere with a lot of culture like Brooklyn or Portland,” Ethan said while staring dejectedly at his newsfeed. “Maybe then I’ll be the type of cultured intellectual my dad wants me to be.”

Meanwhile, 17-year-old Antoine Jackson of Liberty City wonders if there is more to his existence than hoping that the police never confront him or his loved ones about anything ever.