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Florida Gun Shop Offers "Back to School" Sales to Shoppers

As summer comes to a close, parents are readying their children to return to school. But along with the usual stops at office supply stores for composition notebooks, protractors, and calculators, an increasing number of parents are also heading to gun dealers to pick up handguns for their children to bring to school.

“It’s for their protection and my own peace of mind,” said Amy-Dawn Sullivan, a mother-of-four from Bradenton, Florida as she purchased several handguns and KEVLAR backpacks for her children.

“The world is a sick, sick place,” said Ms. Sullivan as she handed her six-year-old daughter Margaret a pink ATI FX45 Titan Compact pistol to handle. “I need to know my children are safe, and the best way to make sure that they are is to make sure that they are armed,” explained Ms. Sullivan as she bent down to assess whether Margaret’s finger is long enough to pull the gun’s trigger. “I’m gonna shoot all the bad guys!” said Margaret, a rising first grader at Harris-Klebold Elementary School, adding “PEW PEW! BANG BANG!” with a giggle. “Yes, you are, little girl. Yes, you are!” Ms. Sullivan replied to her daughter.

While bringing a firearm to a school is still illegal in most of the country, many school districts have relaxed their “no tolerance” gun policies for the upcoming year after petitions from NRA-backed parent organization. While these policy changes have been criticized by those that believe a fully-armed student body will necessarily lead to more gun deaths and injuries, such criticisms are unfair according to David “Duke” Robinson, President of Florida’s Guns for Kids initiative.

“Whether liberals want to admit it or not, the only way to protect our children from the constant threats they face from radical Islamic terrorists is to make sure that they know how to protect themselves,” said Mr. Robinson as he stood next to his 11-year-old son Harley. When asked whether he felt comfortable bringing a gun to school, Harley said in a soft and quivering voice that he did. “My gun is the only thing stopping me and everyone I care about from guaranteed death at the hands of terrorists who hate my freedom,” whimpered the boy before twitching with fear as a nearby gate banged shut.

When asked if he would prefer his school equip itself with metal detectors and security guards to ensure that no guns were brought into his school, the boy sighed with relief and said “oh yes, that would be fanta…” before his father coughed and Harley changed his answer mid-sentence: “No, that would abridge my Second Amendment right and would ensure that me and my friends are unable to defend ourselves from the eventual slaughter that is planned for all white, Christian American children by,” he looked up at his father who nodded with approval, "by the radical Islamic terrorist forces.”

Gun dealers like Earl Shackelford are taking advantage of the newfound desire of parents to arm their children and hoping to attract customers to his store by offering discounted “Back To School” prices and specials.

“We’re giving a free box of pencils away with every box of ammo purchased before Labor-Day, as well as a buy-one-get-one deal on select compact handguns for families with multiple children so parents on a budget don’t have to worry about only arming some of their children,” said Mr. Shackelford, as he rung up an AR-15 assault rifle for 15-year-old Keith Lee Wilcox.

“This is exactly why I got into this business,” said Mr. Shackelford as he smiled at Mr. Wilcox and asked the pale boy if he was excited for the first day of school. “Oh I can’t wait until school starts so I can make some lasting memories,” said Mr. Wilcox in an ominous and deadpan voice. “I have a feeling no one is going to forget the first day of school this year...no one”, added the boy as he stroked his newly purchased assault rifle and asked Mr. Shackelford for 400-rounds of ammunition.

As Mr. Wilcox exited the store, Mr. Shackelford remarked, “God bless that boy. People are going to be mighty glad that he has that gun when some deranged person tries to attack his school.”

By Daniel Jimenez of Villain Theater