The Plantain
latest

Florida Man Just One Giant Mosquito Bite At This Point

Shock tore through the Miami scientific community today as it was discovered that following a summer spent in the outdoors, Carlos Vasquez of Little Havana is now just one big, autonomous mosquito bite.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Mike Bautista, a local dermatologist. “This man came into my office complaining of itchy skin. After he turned down several offers to undertake expensive and invasive cosmetic procedures, I generously agreed to provide him with medical dermatology - which is much less lucrative for me, but that’s the kind of honest guy I am. What I found SHOCKED me. Angry red raised lump after angry red raised lump. I traced the lumps all over his body but could find no evidence of normal, untainted human skin. Medically speaking, this man is now considered a mosquito bite."

We caught up with Mr. Vasquez to ask him how his life had changed since the discovery, resisting the overwhelming urge to scratch him.

"I'm miserable," came the answer from what we think was the mosquito bite formerly known as Carlos Vasquez, but may have just been a passerby.

For those wondering how they can avoid the same fate during Miami's rainy season, Samantha Santiago, a local entomologist, had the following advice:

"Just don’t go outdoors," she said. "If you see anything that looks like the outdoors, burn it."

Ángel Saxon is a staff writer for The Plantain.