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Forever 21 Rebrands as Forever 31 in Appeal to Aging Fans

Retailer Forever 21 announced to its shareholders this afternoon that it intends to rebrand to serve aging millennials who can no longer pretend to have been born in 1996.

The more mature Forever 31 will increase inseams on short-shorts from 4" to a nearly matronly 5", and will lengthen tube tops to eliminate "side-boob spillover action". Though more modest, the clothing at Forever 31 will remain literally disposable, and bafflingly cheap, with brunch-wear dresses starting at $9.60.

The company aims to serve the coveted 30+ demographic who still shop in malls even though everything is on Amazon for cheaper. Retail analyst Jada Mervin reports that it expects the brand to go completely out of business within the year.