The Plantain

Coral Gables To Be Turned Into One Big Giant Pinecrest Bakery

By Daniel Jimenez

In a move that is as shocking as it is exciting for fans of 24-hour pastry establishments, it has been announced that the municipality of Coral Gables has been purchased and will be turned into a single, enormous Pinecrest Bakery.

Owners Joel and Efran Garcia have stated that this has been part of the business’s goal since its inception in December 2012. “Our aim has always been to provide fresh, authentic Cuban food anytime to anyone who wants it. But the logistics of a single store at a limited location has always been an obstacle. With a store that spans thirty-seven square miles, with tens of thousands of employees, we can finally become the go-to destination for Cuban food in Miami, and perhaps all of Florida”, said Efran.

But many have been confused by the recent purchase. “So do I work there now? I mean I live here in Coral Gables, do I still pay taxes? Is this even legal?” said local sign spinner, Emilio Christie.

The former mayor of Coral Gables, Raul Valdes, recently released a statement detailing the impact on Coral Gables residents. In his statement, he explained that the entirety of the city will be walled off, as part of a plan to turn it into a superstructure that will be visible from space. All other business will be torn down, with proper compensation, and the employees will automatically become workers at what will now be known as Pinecrest Bakery Omega (PBO).

Instead all employees will be issued BakeryBucks™, which can only be used inside other Pinecrest Bakeries.

Residents are required to vacate their homes, which will soon be demolished, and will be given employee housing as early as 2019.

There will no longer be income taxation in PBO, however, new employees will not be paid in United States currency. Instead, all employees will be issued BakeryBucks™, which can only be used inside other Pinecrest Bakeries.

The University of Miami will be allowed to remain open, on the condition that it now offers a “Baker” major, which will prepare graduates for employment exclusively in Pinecrest Bakery Omega.

While some citizens have expressed bemusement at the news, other have been elated. Ramon Philipe, a resident and fan, and friend of the Garcias said, “This is a dream come true! I can actually live in a Pinecrest Bakery. I have access to fresh croquetas twenty four seven! This is totally worth losing my home and business for.” Ramon is one of the lucky few selected to be in the Pinecrest Bakery Happiness Bureau, which will be tasked with enforcing laws and stamping out any anti-OBP behavior by any means deemed necessary.

Groundbreaking is expected to commence before year’s end, with parts of Pinecrest Bakery Omega open by mid-2020.

Daniel Jimenez is a staff writer for The Plantain.