The Plantain
latest

Coral Gables Purchased By Pinecrest Bakery

In a move that is as shocking as it is made-up, the City of Coral Gables has been purchased by, and will be converted into, a giant 24-hour Pinecrest Bakery.

Owners Joel and Efran Garcia told the Plantain that the expansion has been part of their business strategy since 2012.

“The logistics of creating a single, city-sized bakery has been a challenge," said the brothers of the store which will span thirty-seven square miles and employ tens of thousands of workers. "With this I think we can finally become the go-to destination for Cuban food in Miami, so long as you don't count Versailles, La Caretta, and Vicky's." said Efran.

For residents of Coral Gables, the purchase leaves more questions than answers. “So do I work there now? I mean, I live here in Coral Gables. Do I still pay taxes? Is this even legal?” said local sign spinner, Emilio Christie.

Coral Gables Mayor Raul Valdes-Fauli released a statement detailing the impact of the purchase on Coral Gables residents. In his statement, Valdes-Fauli explained that the entirety of the city will be walled off to prevent vagrants, an infrastructure project already in the works by Coral Gables at the time of its purchase, and all non-Pinecrest Bakery businesses will be torn down and their employees will be commandeered to work at what will now be known as Pinecrest Bakery Omega (PBO).

"I don't know anything about bakeries," said Jonathan Saffer-Smith, a lawyer with the law firm of Saffer-Smith and Associates in Coral Gables, who will now clean toilets at PBO.

Coral Gables residents will be required to vacate their homes or face instantaneous death once the bulldozers come. When asked where the displaced residents should go, the Garcias suggested "Maybe Pinecrest," which the brothers have no plans of ever purchasing or converting into a Pinecrest Bakery.

“This is a dream come true! I can actually live in a Pinecrest Bakery. I have access to fresh croquetas twenty- four seven! This is totally worth losing my home and business for,” said one local resident who wished to remain anonymous.

Groundbreaking is expected to commence before year’s end, with parts of Pinecrest Bakery Omega open by mid-2020.

By Daniel Jimenez