Senior leaders of Hell's Ninth Circle were excited to finally roll out a specially crafted caja china built nearly 50 years ago for the long-anticipated arrival of Cuba’s former tyrant-dictator, Fidel Castro.
One arch-demon, sporting a dapper Adidas tracksuit he liberated from the ex-leader, told The Plantain that all of Hell was thrilled to take part in this week's special event. "I can't tell you how many times we've rolled this thing out and then–false alarm–we had to put it right back into storage. But, hey, today's finally the big day!"
As Castro was strapped to a large metal pan, the condemned Cuban leader insisted to his torturers that his current situation was somehow the result of the U.S. embargo. He repeatedly screamed "history will still absolve me" as a team of demons doused him in a lime-garlic marinade, salted his sweaty flesh and–to get a rise out of the crowd–occasionally singed his buttocks with Dominican-made cigars.
Outside the event, a pack of hellhounds peddled cookware to the waiting crowds for use as serving plates, take-home containers and musical instruments. Anticipated for nearly five decades, the event is expected to be a highlight of this year's infernal social calendar, rivaling the 1945 bar crawl featuring craft beers fermented from Hitler's blood and tears, the massive paella featuring the entrails of Francisco Franco in 1975, and even the still-talked-about Che-rrasco Grill-Off of 1967.
By Manuel Del Fango