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"I'm Moving to California," Says Penniless Miami Man

By Ángel Saxon

A local Miami man has been telling anyone who will listen that he is moving to California "like, yesterday."

Friends and family of Jimmy Jameson, 27, of Coconut Grove, report that he has been increasingly bad-mouthing Miami, and his threats to pack his bags and leave Florida for good have increased, up 600% from last year.

The Plantain reached out to Mr. Jameson to get a first-hand account of his brave and original declaration that he was planning to ditch Miami for the West Coast.

"I can't stand it here anymore man, and I don't know how anyone can. This place is a dump. I'm sick of the trash humans, the trash drivers, the trash trash, the fact that the sun is always out, the superficiality, the insane cost of living, the dirty beaches, the homeless people everywhere, the whole thing, which is why I'm moving to LA," he ranted dangerously.

"I'm going to move somewhere I'll never deal with any of those issues again," said Mr. Jameson of Los Angeles, a City with literally all of those issues. "California is a place where I know I'll magically become happy the second I get there!"

We asked Mr. Jameson if he had visited California before, to which he replied that he had not, but that "you can totally get the vibe of the place from like, the TV, and the way people talk about it – the way people on the TV talk about it. It's just THE place man."

We caught up with Mr. Jameson by phone a month later to see if he had completed this move.

"I'm leaving right the fuck now, like seriously right this second. I'm literally packing my bags as we speak, bitch," he raved at our reporter.

However, on following up with Mr. Jameson's manager at Subway, we were informed he was booked to work shifts for the next two weeks.

Next week we speak to an LA resident who is planning to move to Miami for all the same reasons.

Ángel Saxon is a staff writer for The Plantain.