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Inside the Kremlin Fears Mount: Is Vladimir Putin Actually a Nervous Millennial in Elaborate Disguise?

By Michael de Armas

Advisors inside the secretive Kremlin have been alarmed in recent weeks by a series of events that point towards a fatal possibility, Vladimir Putin is actually a Millennial of about 24 years of age plagued by insecurity and social awkwardness. Privately advisors have reached out to The Plantain via stealth nuclear submarines along the eastern seaboard for the story “I asked him if he wanted to kill that bastard Sergei Skripal with the nerve agent in London, and he kinda just laughed and said ‘sure’. After we did it he was acting really passive aggressive about it but like in a self-deprecating way, he was like ‘well, of course, it was my idea.’. Now I’m thinking he didn't actually hear me when I asked the first time cause he like asked me to repeat myself a couple of times, so he just said ‘yeah’ or whatever but now he doesn't want to admit he made a mistake or something. No one knows what to do.”

He said Robert Kraft showed him his ring and when Mr.Kraft turned to leave without it he tried to stop him but was unable to get his attention.

Fears began rising in 2005 when Putin returned to Moscow from a trip to America with a stolen NFL championship ring. “He put it on the table and sort of paced around nervously, asking us what he should do. He said Robert Kraft showed him his ring and when Mr.Kraft turned to leave without it he tried to stop him but was unable to get his attention. We all looked at each other expecting him to reveal it was all a joke, that’s when he started crying. He was worried the police would find out, we all had to leave the room. Now we simply don’t bring it up.”

Reliable sources have reported various incidents such as the above to The Plantain, these include: Lengthy apologies secreted individually to advisors via text over personal issues and perceived slights the advisors were completely unaware were happening between them, obvious anxiety over accepting or making phone calls, general fidgetiness and unease when a particular secretary named Sasha enters the room, An uncomfortable and probable anxiety induced predilection towards an office dog named Kazan during important meetings. “This behavior is driving us insane, it’s like you just want to slap him in the face and tell him to grow up, but then you remember he has killed thousands of people and you just wonder who he is.”

Michael de Armas is the Lifestyle Correspondent for The Plantain