By Ángel Saxon
Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un have merged, forming a single world leader, sources close to both men in their original forms have confirmed. The decision was made at their meeting this week, but has secretly been in the pipeline for months.
"They've been enamoured with each other from afar, ever since they first saw each other on TV. They both saw so much of themselves in the other that a merger just seemed like the most common sense action for both of their brands,” a source in the White House told The Plantain.
The news has been met with backlash from citizens of the world, who have been grumbling online that this will lead to a lack of competition in despot world leaders.
"The discerning despot fan is once again getting screwed over by a mainstream merger that offers absolutely nothing of benefit to the corruption craving public."
"Now that Trump and Kim Jong-un have merged, they have no reason to compete against each other to deliver more advanced forms of dangerously insane leadership" a man we interviewed on the street opined. "The quality and availability of corrupt and oppressive policies coming out of both North Korea and the US will take a nose dive. The discerning despot fan is once again getting screwed over by a mainstream merger that offers absolutely nothing of benefit to the corruption craving public."
However, people on the streets aren't the only ones airing their concerns. Analysts at the SAD (the Society for the Advancement of Despots) are saying the merger looks set to follow a troubling trend of diluted fascism and weakened oppressive regimes.
"Think of the poor Russians," said Stephen Gleam of SAD. "For years now they've been suffering gladly under a consistent and dedicated crackpot evil regime, one which has worked tirelessly to go blow for blow with the US to match their streak of pure, altruistic dickishness, to lucky humans both at home and abroad. Thanks to this news, you can guarantee Putin will feel free to ease off on the reigns just a little bit, and the poor Russians will see their country get a little bit less crackpot and a little bit less evil as a result," he said sadly.
"The worst part is, it's not like they can even go anywhere else to get their fix of high quality despotism. Thanks to this merger, competition is scarce."
President Trump's team meanwhile have been eager to downplay the effect of the merger on public access to quality evil leadership. Human emoji Sarah Huckabee Sanders reached out to The Plantain to give us this statement:
“I assure you that President Trump remains committed to being a truly awful leader,” she said, while making the frowny emoji face. “The lack of competition in no way means that President Trump intends to rest on his laurels – if anything, he intends to use the significant resources both parties are bringing to the table to deliver the highest quality of despotism yet seen in the western world,” she added with a winking emoji that made this reporter's skin crawl.
Ángel Saxon is a staff writer for The Plantain.