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Lincoln Road Named Best Place For Unsupervised Children To Play At Midnight

Lincoln Road was named the "Best Place for Unsupervised Children to Play at Midnight," by the Miami New Times. Specifically, the creepy hill outside of the Pizza Rustica was singled out as a cultural landmark and a place where children of all ages, but especially those under 7, can run around without a care in the world at all hours of the night while their drunk parents casually smoke cigarettes at a nearby cafe.

"I don't know what I'm going to do, this store was all I had" said Diana Flores, owner of a nearby clothing boutique she will soon close due to increasing rent prices. When pressed about the "Best of" distinction, the woman just started to cry to herself as a bunch of children screaming in German ran passed a "Going Out of Business" sign she had placed outside of her store. "Whose kids are these?" she asked through her tears. But no one knows.

As rent prices continue to increase, long time local businesses are being forced to leave Lincoln Road and are being replaced by corporate tenants including probably dozens of GAPs, H&Ms, Wal-Marts, Amazon Fulfillment Centers, and Bubba Gump Shrimps. To the businesses displaced by the rent increases, the takeover of Lincoln Road by conglomerated tenants represents the destruction of a South Florida cultural landmark.

"There was a time when a tourist could leave their four year old to run around the crowded pedestrian mall while they ordered drinks from a local restaurant for what they thought was $15 but turned out to be $80. I guess those days are gone. This entire road will be full of Applebees before you know it," said restaurateur Amos Fernandez-Brandt as he causally tossed a few scraps of leftover meat to the unsupervised children playing near his dumpster. "Whose children are these?" he asked. But no one knows.

But not everyone is upset about the rent increases. "I think this is great. The last thing we want on Miami Beach is tourism," said a Miami Beach resident on the Clean Up Miami Beach Facebook group . "Now if only we can get rid of all of those kids running around the City, then Miami Beach will be the quiet little beach community it used to be before I ever wanted to move here in the first place."

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Milo is the Editor of the Plantain. He went to college.
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