The Plantain
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Local Insists 71 Degrees Is "Sweater Weather"

As she does every day, Abigail Braman woke up Monday morning at 7:45 AM, spent several minutes staring at the ceiling contemplating her life decisions and preparing herself for another day of work. Wiping the sleep from her eyes, she reached over to grab her cell phone from her nightstand and delete the seven to nine pieces of junk mail (usually from the Clinton campaign, William Sonoma, or the Democratic Party) that accumulates in her inbox every night. As she returned to her home screen, however, she noticed something unusual. “Oh my god!” said Ms. Braman out loud to herself as she stared at her screen. “It’s sweater weather!”

The 27-year-old paralegal jolted out of her bed and ran outside her home to see if it was true. As soon as stepped outside the crisp air smacked her face. She took a deep breath and enjoyed the sounds of birds chirping. Had they always sounded so beautiful? She looked around her neighborhood and noticed several neighbors enjoying the unexpected breeze. It was 71 degrees in Miami and today was going to be a wonderful day.

Walking into her closet Ms. Braman could hardly contain herself. As she reached toward the back to search for her winter clothing she thought of the last six months of unbearable heat she endured and the feminine dampness, hair frizz, and mosquito bites that came with it. She dressed in a sleek black long sleeve thermal from Banana Republic that she layered with an opened red flannel jacket from H&M and a green camouflage army jacket also from Banana Republic. Before she left for work she grabbed a gray checkered scarf she bought several years ago for a “girls trip” to New York and a knitted American flag beanie that she purchased on that trip. As she took one last look at herself in the mirror before she left she smiled. “You look cute!” she said to herself before taking a selfie of her outfit and texting her mother in Virginia.

On her way to work she stopped at a Starbucks for a celebratory Peppermint Hot Chocolate. It was 75 degrees. Abigail stood in line and admired the very expensive Canada Goose jacket worn by the woman in front of her.  As she approached the barista Abigail noticed several closed cardboard boxes behind the counter. “Are those the red cups?” she asked feverishly.  She was told that they were but that they couldn’t use them until November 1. “Starbucks always tastes better in a red cup!” she thought to herself and then posted to Twitter.

When she arrived at her downtown Miami office at 9:00 AM it was 79 degrees. “Can you believe this weather?” asked a lightly sweating Abigail to office assistant Nancy Randazo as she removed her scarf and beanie. “This is why I live in Miami!” said Abigail with excitement before returning to her desk and pondering, as she often does, whether she should have moved to California with Heather and David after college. “What’s so great about San Francisco anyway?” she thought to herself before searching through Heather’s Instagram for 11 minutes. 

At noon Abigail joined Nancy and Javier, one of her firm’s office service workers, for lunch at a nearby Greek restaurant across. After putting on her jacket, scarf, and beanie once again, Abigail entered the elevator and rode to the lobby with several of her firm’s attorneys. As she walked in she smiled politely and whispered “hi” to the three men she has worked with for nearly 4 years and then stood silently in the elevator as she stared down at her phone. When they arrived at the lobby the male lawyers insisted she leave first, which she did.

During lunch, Nancy gave Abigail and Javier a comprehensive update on her son’s SAT preparation and Javier told a funny although possibly made up story about running into an ex-girlfriend over the weekend. The restaurant itself was decent, although more expensive that she anticipated. They charged for soda refills, which she wondered if that was normal in Greece. As she, Nancy, and Javier walked back to their office it was 84 degrees. “Still sweater weather,” she said to herself as she wiped away a few beads of sweat that developed on her upper lip.

For the next several hours Abigail alternated between proofreading a long brief for one of her firm’s partners and scrolling through Pinterest for pictures of architecturally significant gingerbread houses. At 3:15 PM she received a phone call from a lawyer named Steven who asked that she leave the office to pick up a docket of files from the Circuit Court. She redressed in her winter outfit and began to walk the 6 blocks to the Court. It was 88 degrees.

When she arrived at the courthouse steps she was out of breath and could feel sweat dripping down her back.  Entering the Clerk’s office, she removed her beanie to reveal a mess of oily hair that was half tamped to her head. By the time she left the Court for the return trip it was 91 degrees. It started to rain down on her when she was a block away from her office. 

The rain had dampened the papers she had retrieved from the Court. When she returned to her office she noticed two missed calls from Steven. She walked the documents to his office. “Oh Abi, it turns out the files were online so I didn’t actually need you to go,” said Steven without a thank you. “Oh not a worry, it was nice to be outside in the cool weather,” replied a soaked Abigail. As she walked back to her desk she noticed her own smell. Luckily she kept a travel size bottle of baby powder to combat groin sweat, a remedy she was worried may cause cervical cancer but was willing to risk it today considering the smell that had developed.

At 5:00 PM she left her office. The temperature had dropped to 89 degrees and as Abigail sat in traffic she started to once again through Heather’s Instagram. “I can’t believe she didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid,” said Abigail to herself as she turned her car’s air conditioning higher. “It’s so god damn hot,” she defeatedly admitted. 

After an hour and fifteen minutes, Abi arrived at her home. She removed the soaking thermal and flannel she had on all day and placed her jacket back into her closet. As she resided herself to her couch for the night, Abi started watching a documentary about the murder of Jon Benet Ramsey before deciding to see what The Walking Dead was all about. After two episodes she didn’t see the big deal and put on a TBS marathon of Friends re-runs. She fell asleep about halfway through The One Where Joey and Rachel Kiss with a lollipop in her mouth.

She woke up at 1:45 AM and after washing a few dishes returned to her bed at 2:20 AM. She briefly considered showering but was too tired and decided she would just wash her armpits, neck, thighs, and knees with a wet terrycloth in the morning.

As Abigail Braman plugged in her phone for the night and laid back in her bed she checked the next morning’s weather report:

Low of 87 degrees/High of 92.

“Fuck”.