The Plantain
latest

Man Awakens From 30-Year Slumber, Realizes Metro Rail Still Does Not Connect To Beach

In a tale seemingly ripped from American legend, Ricardo Dos Santos awoke Tuesday, June 29th, from a coma that lasted three decades long.

It was the summer of 1988 when Mr. Dos Santos was taken into intensive care after a cocaine-filled night and subsequent overdose forced doctors to place him into a medically induced coma.

As you can imagine adjusting to life after missing so much time has been very difficult for Mr. Dos Santos. "I feel like I have been cheated." he says without provocation.

Despite his predicament, his outlook has been overwhelmingly positive and hopeful albeit with one caveat. "I tell you Miami has changed in so many ways for the better. We've got museums now, art festivals, great new restaurants, but the Metro Rail still doesn't connect to the beach? That's fucking retarded." declared Mr. Dos Santos who is still not accustomed to contemporary sensibilities about differently abled people.

The medical staff at Mercy Hospital have adopted a delicate approach to reintegrating Mr. Dos Santos to society. "We try to take things slowly, only giving him a few hours of TV a day while we rehabilitate his body and mind," said nurse Carmen Meneses. "We also make sure not to get him started talking about that train."

"Miami is one of the most exciting and beautiful cities in the world," said Dos Santos, now 71 years old, "It breaks my heart that I never got to see my children grow up, that I had so much of my life taken away from me. But what really me pica los cojones es que el Metro Rail is such utter bullshit."

Maria Dos Santos the daughter of Ricardo Dos Santos, age 42, dreams of what could have been. "I never thought he would wake up. I learned to live without him." However, despite the loss of time with her father, it is evident the apple does not fall far from the tree. "But you know, I learned to live in Miami without competent mass transit too. So I guess in that way we are all survivors."

Doctors have assured the Dos Santos family that Ricardo's health should continue to improve, however, his opinion of Miami transit may never improve. "So what you connected it to the airport!? Do you want a fucking medal? There are only two places tourists come to when they visit Miami, the airport, and the beach, and you only can get to one of them! Someone should be shot."

Author image
Peter Mir is confoundingly the owner of Villain Theater