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Man Comes To Terms With His Own Mortality During Weezer Concert

On Tuesday evening, Weezer took the stage at Miami's Bayfront Park Amphitheater to play a collection of hits and remind longtime fans in the audience that the passage of times stops for no one and that they too will someday die.

“I wasn’t expecting to have such a strong reaction to the show,” said 30-year-old attorney and longtime Weezer fan Jason Ireland, “but as I watched the band sludge through “The Sweater Song” and “Say it Ain’t So” for what must be the 100,000th time, I realized that every aspect of my youth was over and that I would eventually cease to exist.”

Mr. Ireland’s existential crisis was exacerbated by the legion of teenage fans in attendance to see apparently very popular opening act “Panic! at the Disco”. “I didn’t even know kids still liked them!” said Mr. Ireland, who was taken aback by the joyful energy of the mostly teenage audience during the Panic set and who couldn’t help but cringe at the band’s name in light of recent events.

“I was sitting there, having just watched all of these children scream along to every word of these Panic at the Disco songs and then watched with dismay as these same kids sat in their seats with palpable apathy as Weezer played songs that I remember singing at the top of my lungs at my first Weezer concert in 2001. It was then that I knew that my happiest days were over. I will never be teenager at a concert happy again, and I need to learn to accept that.”

Speaking to the Plantain following the show, Weezer’s lead singer Rivers Cuomo said that Mr. Ireland’s reaction is a common one among Weezer’s older fans. “We all have to just accept that our time is finite and nothing lasts forever,” said the 46-year-old singer who just put out his 10th album about girls not paying attention to him in high school.