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Man Faces Life Imprisonment After Filling Water Cup With Soda

Jonathan Best was arrested at a Pollo Tropical Saturday afternoon after filling his free water cup with 3 oz of Coke (the cola). He now faces potential life in prison for his crime, a punishment many believe is well justified. 

“Finally, my taxpayer money is going to be put to good use!” said frequent Pollo Tropical patron Grant Davis-Pena-Sanchez. “Nothing angers me more than purchasing a large fountain drink, only to find there isn’t any Sprite left because a gang of thieves ran it dry with their water cups. Those degenerates are criminals and socialists, piggy-backing on the rest of us working class people, and I’m happy to see the police are committed to keeping them off the streets.”  

“There’s always a sense of distrust whenever a customer requests a water cup,” said Pollo Tropical employee Sara Velasquez. “Most of the time they end up plugging it with lemonade or whatever, just to save them a couple of bucks. I mean, I know that times are hard and all, but it still hurts being manipulated like that. I guess I’m just tired of feeling betrayed.”

“I’m still trying to understand what the big deal is,” Mr. Best told reporters after his arrest. “This was at best petty theft, so why were the SWAT teams necessary? One moment I’m at the soda fountain, and the next I’m being tackled to the ground by SWAT officers repelling from the ceiling and asking to see proof of citizenship and the receipt for my meal. Are they just running out of things to arrest people for?” 

At Mr. Best’s sentencing, Judge Mitchell Benestad unflinchingly handed down the stiffest allowable penalty. “I never thought I’d hear of such a deplorable act of human indecency,” said Judge Benestad, who was so flustered after the trial he had to go home and do 3 oz of coke (not the cola) just to take the edge off. “This is definitely worse than the countless cases I’ve encountered involving illegal downloads of movies off the Internet which, until now, I thought was the worst act anyone could commit.” 

In addition to his sentencing, Judge Benestad ordered that Mr. Best would not be permitted to drink anything other than water for the duration of his sentence. “Ugh, I hate water,” said Mr. Best as he was carted off to his cell.

Andre Bolourian, The Hoot