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Mar-A-Lago Busboy Named New National Security Advisor

Following the unexpected resignation of Russian diplomat Michael Flynn as President Trump’s National Security Advisor, the President announced that he had asked Jeremy England, 24, whom he described as “the absolute best busboy we have at Mar-A-Lago” to replace the disgraced general.

Although Mr. England is a newcomer to national politics and international diplomacy, he has grown close to the President during his weekly trips back to his West Palm Beach golf resort and home. Sources close to the President that we made up for this article say that Jeremy has been acting as an informal advisor to the President for some time now. Notably, one source says that  Jeremy, after overhearing a security briefing conducted publicly in the Mar-A-Lago dining hall that North Korea tested nuclear missiles, confirmed the President’s suspicions that “North Korea was fucked up.” He also unselfishly took the blame for a very pungent fart committed by the President at the dinner table in front of the Prime Minister of Japan, which sources say very much endeared him to the new President. “The President doesn’t want anyone to think he farts,” several sources confirmed.

“He has a great intuition, like me, about world affairs,” tweeted President Trump of the busboy and occasional caddy.

Mr. England is a third-semester drop out from Florida Atlantic University who started working at Mar-A-Lago last September after losing his job at a Smoothie King. Sources familiar to the situation confirm that he has already resigned from his position at Mar-A-Lago and looks forward to moving to D.C. to advise the President full time.

When asked how he felt about working for the President, Mr. England said that it was quite the honor and “sure did beat bussing tables.” Mar-A-Lago also issued a statement that it had an opening for a busboy position. “Min. Wage/MUST SPEAK ENGLISH” the ad read.