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Marlins Sculpture to be Released Back into the Wild

The Marlins Statue is to be released back into the wild, it has been revealed. The Miami-Dade famous structure has long been a fixture of the Miami Marlins games, lighting up in exuberant celebration whenever a home run is scored - and more frequently, by mistake.

But no longer.

In a historic move, Marlins owner Derek Jeter has finally secured plans to release the beleaguered statue back into the ocean from whence it came.

"It's a done f*ing deal," he yelled at our reporter. "Today marks a great day for animal rights activists who also happen to be multimillionaire sports team owners around the world."

It is the culmination of a well publicized battle between the Marlins owner and the artist who created the piece, former equestrian porn star Red Grooms.

"It's an outrage," Mr. Grooms told us from inside a hollowed out tree. "You have no idea what I went through to track down and capture that statue. It was the purest form of artistic expression known to man, but now they have strong-armed me into letting this happen. The 2.5 million dollars' blood money they paid me to keep quiet will never silence the atrocity they have committed against this pinnacle of sports team-related artwork," he sobbed, dabbing at his tears with gold leaf quail eggs and caviar.

A win for animal rights, but a loss for the art world, perhaps.

by Ángel Saxon