The Plantain
latest

Mayor Gimenez Asks Trump to Make Miami its Own Time Zone

Miami-Dade Mayor Carlos Gimenez just submitted a request to his golfing buddy Donald Trump to allow the county to move into its own time zone 15 minutes later than the rest of the East Coast.

Mayor Gimenez’s proposal would make all of Miami 15 minutes later, for the purpose of making a high percentage of Miami residents on time, where now, they run super late to everything.

“For Kendall residents, they can make a special application to run on Kendall time,” the Mayor told us at The Plantain, “which we estimate will need to move by 30 minutes to make people on time to their jobs.”

“Everyone knows that we all run on ‘Miami time’,” says Mayor Gimenez who was snubbed by Trump during a recent trip to Miami, “Which means that everyone is 15 minutes late, to every meeting and social gathering. Some people say it’s because of traffic, but we can’t fix that, so this is the easiest alternative.”

Sure enough, Gimenez’s plan dovetails with the new Kendall Parkway initiative, which would run yet another major highway into residential neighborhoods in the city’s densely populated southwest suburbs.

“For Kendall residents, they can make a special application to run on Kendall time,” the Mayor told us at The Plantain, “which we estimate will need to move by 30 minutes to make people on time to their jobs.”

Most Miami residents welcome the proposed changes.

“I haven’t been on time to court for traffic tickets three times and lost my license,” says Javier Fernandez, a resident of Miami Lakes. “If we just had more time like the Mayor proposes, we wouldn’t have to explain Miami time to the judge.”

“It’s boring waiting around for everyone to arrive at the party at 8 pm,” says Maria Quibajo of Kendall. “The Mayor’s new plan would solve that problem.”

But some residents are skeptical of the time change, noting that it will make for mass confusion when trying to schedule meetings with people north of the county border.

“It’s bad enough that we’re perpetually late,” says Rob Johnson of Coconut Grove, “but now I’ll have to wear two watches just to figure out what time I’m meeting my date near her home in Hollywood.”

“Creating a new ‘Miami Standard Time’ zone with President Trump will be my legacy,” says Mayor Gimenez, “because Lord knows, I don’t want people to remember me for caving to President Trump on sanctuary cities.”

By Franklin Fidel