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Local Fecal Swimming Advisory Linked To Discarded DJ Khaled Furniture

The Florida Department of Health has issued an advisory to Miami-Dade Residents warning them not to swim at certain beaches, including Golden Beach, Sunny Isles, Surfside, North Shore, 53rd Street in Miami Beach, Haulover South and Crandon North, due to dangerous levels of feces found in the water. Department investigators believe the fecal matter was caused after the entirety of DJ Khaled's furniture line was tossed to sea.

The furniture, which features embossed lions and more gold than a Donald Trump shower, can be purchased at El Dorado Furniture, an acid trip of a retail establishment described by some as "the most Miami store ever." The DJ Khaled line of furniture, whose signature piece is a gold colored upholstered love seats and a pair of spray painted lion statues, has been widely mocked by bloggers, most of whom have decorated every home they have ever lived in with cheap Ikea furniture. "It's just so tacky. What type of adult would want that in their house?" typed one 30-year-old blogger while sitting underneath a cheaply framed Doors poster he has had hanging since High School.

The furniture was reportedly tossed into the Atlantic Ocean following a bet between two El Dorado employees about whether it would sink. "We didn't realize how much fun it is to toss sofas into the ocean," said an anonymous El Dorado employee. "It all floats, by the way, but before we knew it we had dumped it all. Our manager Carlos was so pissed."

The Plantain asked Department of Health representatives how discarded sofas could result in an increase level of fecal particles found in our oceans: "Oh, it's because the furniture looks like shit." "This is sort of a mean spirited joke, if you ask me," said the Official.

The Plantain reached out to DJ Khaled for comment, but he was too busy being more successful than we are to comment.

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Milo is the Editor of the Plantain. He went to college.
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