The Plantain
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God and County Partner to Reschedule Daily Rainstorms in Effort to Ease Traffic

Miami’s rain schedule will be updated next summer, thanks to a landmark public-private partnership between the County and God.

The 12-1 decision came amidst public appeals for earlier rainstorms that are less likely to effect afternoon rush hour or submerge residents rushing to their cars in a downpour after a workday filled with soulless turmoil. The agreement will shift South Florida's daily rain up two hours to 2:30 every afternoon, giving roadways and sewer lines the chance to clear away flooding before people begin commuting home.

Tuesday's County Commission meeting was packed with locals supporting the initiative, as well as a small contingent of the Heavenly Host sent from God to address the financial and spiritual benefits of this transition.

“We believe this rain schedule will have a profoundly positive impact on both Our communities,” claimed Aesphestus, the Patron Angel of Negotiations and Data Collation. The angelic bureaucrat informed the Commission that the initiative is projected to improve South Floridian lives by easing their afternoon commutes, and will benefit God, who could not attend the Commission meeting due to a scheduling conflict, by reducing a major source of spiritual tension in South Florida.

"By eliminating a leading cause of aggression on the roads, God is confident that South Florida's drivers will be less inclined to curse God's name so often and will have more time to Praise The Lord, which, God hopes will also cut down on all the indecency Miami seems to pride itself on. Amen.”

The ordinance, which will go into effect beginning June 1, 2017, was supported by all of Miami-Dade County's Commissioners, with the exception of Commissioner Javier Souto, who observed the flight of angels entering the commission chambers and mistakenly assumed that they had come to take him to Glory.

Commission transcripts record Commissioner Souto shouting “No way! No way! I’m not ready! I don’t want it!”, as he fled the chamber, a reaction construed as a dissent under the County's procedural rules.

God granted The Plantain an exclusive phone interview, in which The Master of All offered a personal perspective on the deal.

"This weather accommodation is an easy planning and zoning adjustment for Our office," said the Deity. When asked if the Holy Universalness had any plans to assist Miami with its impending climate change problem, God said that Heaven's offices had reached out to local officials who responded that "until climate change palpably effects the daily commutes of residents, there is not the political will to address the problem."

Before hanging up the phone, this reporter asked God to tell him the key to earthly happiness.

"It's quite simple," said the Supreme Creator of all that is, was, and ever will be, who responded "You just got to do what makes you happy," a piece of advice that this reporter admits makes sense but feels is not of the magnitude or spiritual quality one expects from a direct conversation with God.