Miami-Dade County Mayor Carlos Gimenez was caught snoopin around a Queens subdivision Thursday, attempting to take an unclaimed Amazon package for himself.
"I mean, if it's just sitting there, why shouldn't I take it back to Miami?" asked the Mayor about the package, which reportedly contains 25,000 jobs and a generous tax subsidy of several billion dollars. "If the owners haven't picked it up, then it's not a crime for me to take it," said the Mayor, using the same logic as some jerks who stole a box containing a pair of torsion hinges I purchased from Amazon just a few days ago.
The torsion hinges cost $34.99 each and, if a new pair ever arrives, I'll put them on a toy chest I'm building for my son, who is due on March 26. That's probably an unnecessary detail for this story, but I mostly write these articles to entertain my wife anyway. So Hi babe, sorry you had those braxton hicks pains this morning. You're doing great, you got this, and I love you.
Anyway, back to the fake Amazon story, I guess...um...how about we wrap it up like this:
Mayor Gimenez released a statement that he hopes Amazon will reconsider his offer of giving billions of dollars to help build a headquarters in Miami. "We don't have the infrastructure to house or transport their workers, or a good long-term plan to address the rising sea, but what we lack in everything, we sure do make up for in free money we are willing to give away."
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly responded to the Mayor's offer with an appreciative dick pic and a note saying "still no."