The Plantain
latest

Miami Residents Petition for 20% Tax to Pay for Wall Around Mayor

“Mayor Carlos Gimenez is a terrific guy and a wonderful friend,” said President Donald Trump Friday after learning that the Miami-Dade County mayor has agreed to reverse Miami's status as a sanctuary county  following the President’s threat to withhold federal funds. “He’s a very tall man too. Very tall. Not as tall as me, but that’s okay. He’s at least 6-foot-5, and very handsome,” the President rambled, adding, “I just wish all Mexicans were as good and tall and handsome as Mayor Carlos Gimenez.”

The Plantain spoke to a despondent Carlos Gimenez, a Cuban immigrant and lifelong Republican who insists he did not vote for Donald Trump, but nevertheless attended his inauguration last week where unconfirmed sources I’m making up because this article is just satire report that the two were seen awkwardly holding hands along the National Mall.

WHAT DO THESE PEOPLE WANT ME TO DO?” asked the Mayor as he hid in a corner of his executive office from the protesters outside. “We get $355 million a year in Federal funds! Am I supposed to just throw that away?” said the Mayor as he nervously lit another cigarette.

“That’s not rhetorical! What am I supposed to do?” the Mayor asked this reporter, who, if I’m going to be completely honest, had sort of checked out mentally and was focused on what my girlfriend meant last night when she said “maybe a break can make our relationship stronger.” What is that? Does that mean she wants to see other people or just less of me?

“Mr. Mayor, there isn’t a good answer. Trump’s order is more symbolic than it is actually impactful. But the repercussions of not following it are real, and people will get hurt if you allow federal funds to be withheld,” I told the Mayor, noting that "people in the community are scared of what this may lead to," and also “but what the hell do I know.”

“So I should comply with Trump’s Order?” he asked.

“I don’t know what you should do. But you’re probably going to have to. But you just…you just can’t be such a bitch about it. I mean, why did you have to go to D.C. for the inauguration or be the first Mayor to release a statement saying you were going to comply with Trump’s directive?  That sort of thing makes people want to protest against you and only adds fuel to those rumors about you and Trump at the National Mall last week.

“That never happened!” shouted Gimenez. “I know. This is satire. I made it all up. But just because something isn’t true doesn’t mean it didn’t happen anymore.”

As I left the Mayor’s smoke filled office I reflected on how difficult of a predicament mayors of sanctuary cities find themselves in, as well as the difficulty of getting people to click on a piece of editorialized satire about the absurdity of not recognizing that the issue at hand is complex and unwinnable.

“No one is going to want to read something like that. It’s too equivocal. People want to be told what to think,” said my girlfriend later that night as I told her about my day.

“Maybe just make up a funny headline and trick the readers into reading something nuanced?” she suggested.

“Like what?”

“Miami Residents Petition for 20% Tax to Pay for Wall Around Mayor?”

“Oh that’s kind of funny.”

“Thanks,” she told me, before switching subjects: “I don't love you anymore.”