The Plantain has learned that Diane Horowitz has made big plans for her daughter-in-law Maya's uterus.
"I can't wait to be a grandmother!" said Diane out of absolutely nowhere during her Mother's Day brunch. "Mom, quit it," said her son David, knowing this sort of thing really upset his wife.
"What! I'm just sayin' that I can't wait to be a grandmother. Why is that bad?" Diane responded, knowing exactly why.
After a second of silence, the 54-year-old administrator, not able to control her self, continued: "You know, take your time, sure. Maybe you should go to Europe, just the two of you, because it'll be impossible to go when you have a baby or two. What are you thinkin? A year or two and then you'll start, right?" Diane asked Maya, who just stared at her, not believing she was actually doing this right now. "You're gonna want at least two kids. Maybe three."
Sources close to the family report that Diane has brought up her future grand-children nearly every time she has seen Maya since the wedding two Novembers ago. "I just want to make sure I'm not an old grandma," said 54-year-old Diana, who said she really doesn't see why her daughter-in-law is so sensitive about this.
The Plantain spoke to Maya about her relationship with her mother-in-law, which she described as "strained" even though Diane characterized the two as being "very close."
"She just never stops asking about when I'm going to 'give her grandkids.' It's so annoying," said Maya, who in fact is pregnant and had planned to tell Diane the news over brunch before she started on about all of this again. "I almost don't even want to have this kid because I don't want her to have the satisfaction.
Toward the end of the meal, Diane's son Michael had arranged for a cake to be brought out that read "Happy Mother's Day, Grandma!"
"Mom, we're pregnant!," said David, tears welling up in his eyes.
"Oh my god!" said his mother, who burst into tears and grabbed Maya. "Oh my god, I knew it! I thought you looked fat," cried Diane, who really was very happy, so it probably was for the best that she couldn't see her daughter-in-law glare unhappily at her husband. "I can't believe you're finally making me a grandmother!"
[Editor's Note: The author of this article is not having a baby. So quit reading into things, mom. Also, Happy Mother's day.]