New Year's Eve for Squares Says Circle

A local Miami resident is speaking out against the glamorization of rowdy New Year’s Eve festivities, suing the city in an attempt to end the parties once and for all. Rick Tangle, a proud circle from Coconut Grove, had this to say about New Year’s Eve traditions:

“I know I’m putting forward a really controversial and brave opinion here, but going out, spending money, drinking and having fun on New Year’s is for total squares.” he told The Plantain. “Squares act like they have all these different sides to them, but then they join right in with the crowd and do the same four things and visit the same four neighborhoods to welcome in the new year. Brickell, Wynwood, South Beach and Midtown. You can literally draw a square between those points on the map, that’s how square they are!” he added.

Mr. Tangle maintains that circles know how to do New Year’s eve properly.

“Now, a circle like me isn’t all about following the crowd, about doing the same four activities that you can count on a cartoon hand. We’re about infinite choice, 360 degrees of options. Maybe I stay in and watch some documentaries about 9/11 on Netflix, maybe I read some Ayn Rand, maybe I read some Ayn Rand and sip on a porter, maybe I read some Rand and swirl a glass of scotch, or maybe I do all of the above but the window is open! Don’t you see – I’m having an organic, completely original, New Year’s Eve celebration, and I’m not following any kind of square shaped mold! Know what happens if you put a circle in a square shaped mold? It breaks. The circle breaks the mold!”

We asked Mr. Tangle if he'd ever attended any of the year end festivities:

“Me? With them? Are you insane? What kind of four sided shape do you have to be to want to go out, let loose and have fun with other people? Squares just don’t get what it means to be a circle, because they’re such f***ing qua*******als. What they don’t get is that everyone loves curves, whereas nobody loves flatness. Let me put it this way: if you rotate a square 90 degrees, what do you get? A square. You can’t try and make a square better. If you rotate a circle 90 degrees, what you have is a circle which is better. Only a square would fail to grasp this concept. You almost feel bad for them really.”

To round the meeting off, we wanted to know if Mr. Tangle would be sharing New Year’s with any of his fellow circles.

“I don’t think so. Circles in this town are hard enough to find.”

By Chris Derrett