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Gay "Conversion Therapy” Now Available Only In Miami

By Lisa W. Hopper

Ineffective Gay-Stop Therapy Banned in Broward and Palm Beach Counties

This January, both Broward County and Palm Beach County passed legislation banning conversion therapy seeking to cure LGBT minors suffering from same-sex orientation and confused gender identity. This controversial therapy works by taking a person's gayness and replacing it with religion, self-hatred and like, a lot of suicide. Miami-Dade County rejected the ban in October 2017 in a 7 to 4 vote by commissioners. Here in South Florida, with a population of 6.7 million, That's a lot of lost gayness.

Knerst Flagbord, who fled Denmark because he says, he “grew tired of gay-infested Scandinavia” stated, “I agree wid dee now deceased—God rest his soul—Pastor Fred Phelps of Kansas’s Westboro Baptist Church in his anti-Muslim, anti-Jew, anti-U.S. soldiers and politicians, and-especially—his anti-homo progrom and his war cry—‘God hates fags’. That’s why god punishes dee gays by making dem slaves to high standards in dee arts and fashion.” Mr. Flagbord, dressed in short shorts, flip flops, and a T-shirt imprinted with a bow tie and the Tequila Baba logo and slogan ‘Tie one on with TB’ was protesting outside the Fort Lauderdale Courthouse, upset by the recent ban. “If I find one of my kids is a homo, I’m going to fight like hell to fix dat. Now I’d have to drive all dee way across dee county line to do dat.”

“God hates fags!”

Conversion Therapist Catsum Waller, whose gender identity could not be determined, of The Perversion Conversion Center of Boca Raton says banning the therapy is providing a disservice to troubled LGBT youth. “Teens have a right to be able to talk to me about their sickness when their parents pay me to make them stop being gay. And I have a right to practice as an unlicensed therapist as only I know best. This is an outrage!”

“Teens have a right to be able to talk to me about their sickness when their parents pay me to make them stop being gay.”

Miami-Dade County practitioners are satisfied with Palm Beach and Broward’s decision to ban conversion therapy. “This is great news indeed! Finally, a move to even the playing field. Now all the gays that want to get fixed will be driven into Miami for our conversion immersion shock therapy workshops, driving up our client base. Fabulous! Absolutely fabulous!” said Babs Vera of Vera and Vera Counseling Services.

Not everyone agrees though. Phyllis Watson of People Resisting Incredibly Dumb Endeavors (PRIDE) says, “’If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’—that’s our viewpoint. Being gay or lesbian or bisexual or transgender has been accepted as normal in most of the civilized world. Hell, the mental health book hasn’t listed homosexuality as a psychological disease since 1973!” Ms. Watson is referring to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), a manual used in mental health care services for diagnosing diseases of the mind.

A nineteen-year-old gay boy wishing to remain anonymous said, “My parents sent me to anti-gay therapy. They tied me to a chair and made me watch straight sex how-to videos and porn. I vomited profusely. I went right out afterward and (explicative) my boyfriend. It’s all just so senseless, you know?”

Langston Welles agreed to be interviewed regarding the success of his conversion therapy. “Yes, the Church of Mormon was offering $10,000 to anyone completing their conversion program. Oh, yes, honey, it worked. We used that $20,000 as a down payment on this penthouse with sweeping views of the Intracoastal Waterway.” He sashayed across the room to retrieve a candelabra he says was given to him by Freddy Mercury just before his death. Jonathan, his platonic housemate, clad in a fetching satin bathrobe, declined to be interviewed regarding the effectiveness of his Mormon conversion therapy provided by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
The Miami-Dade County Commissioners will be putting off a meeting to vote again on the issue for as long as they can.

Lisa W. Hopper is a freelance journalist and guest writer for The Plantain.

The Gay8 Festival takes place in Little Havana on February 18, 2018, celebrating LGBT Latinos and Friends from 11 a.m. to 10 p.m. on Calle Ocho.