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NRA to Hand out See-Through Guns to Parkland Students

By Ángel Saxon

In a controversial move, the National Rifle Association has announced it will be handing out see-through guns to students at the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in an effort to combat the recent initiative requiring them all to wear clear plastic backpacks.

“Forcing students to wear these backpacks is a complete violation of their constitutional right to bear arms,” Billy Buckshot, the ‘Senior Talkyman’ at the NRA told the Plantain. (“Provided those students are of course 18,” Billy’s lawyer forced us to add to the article). “It’s already hard enough for the average high schooler to hide an AR-15 behind their Trapper Keeper when going through their school's totally normal security checks which all countries totally have. Add in this clear plastic bullshit and it gets seriously tough for the little patriot tykes to exercise their right to dual wield pistols in swimming class.”

“It’s already hard enough for the average high schooler to hide an AR-15 behind their Trapper Keeper"

The solution? According to Billy Buckshot, see-through guns.

“At the NRA, we’ve always believed in fighting fire with fire, and more specifically, fighting anti-gun fire with gunfire. That’s why we’ve introduced these amazing see-through guns, developed with our partners over at Windex, to help these poor students conceal their carry more effectively.”

The Plantain spoke to a student from the school, who asked that we not identify her by her real name, only her Instagram handle.

“Yeah, it’s pretty crazy. I was walking into school the other day when this weird looking white dude handed me a see-through fucking gun,” said @thehottesttopic. “I was all like, what the fuck do I need this for? He said, ‘just in case you run into any suspicious looking people.’ I was like, dude, the only suspicious motherfucker around here is you! He was all like, ‘I’m one of the good ones’ and then gave me a wink that made my skin crawl into a pretzel.”

But did the clear gun at least make her feel more safe?

“Fuck no! I got rid of that shit immediately. I traded it for a non-see-through backpack. Those things are so hard to come by now, the black market for them is insane!”

Ángel Saxon is a staff writer for The Plantain.