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Opa-Locka Post Office Apologizes for Delay in Delivering Mail Bombs

The USPS sorting office in Opa-Locka, famously referred to as a 'black hole' for mail, has offered a public apology for the tardy delivery of mail bombs that were sent to several Democratic politicians and supporters.

"I would like to apologise for the delays that occurred when these items came through our facility," said Paul Hernández, the postmaster at the Opa-Locka office. "Regardless of their contents, we failed the customer here - our service simply did not meet professional standards. According to our records, the packages were mailed over a month ago, but for some inexplicable reason seemed to get held up in our facility," he added, wringing his hands.

"Rest assured that at Opa-Locka, we treat all packages the same, whether priority mail or economy, whether birthday card, Amazon delivery, or mail bomb. Once again I would like to reassure the public that reports our workers use satanic rituals to determine which packages make it through our facility are completely false."

Early on Friday it was reported that an additional mail bomb had been discovered in a back room at the Opa-Locka office. We contacted Mr. Hernández's office to see if he could confirm reports of a pentagram drawn in blood on the back of the package, but have yet to receive comment.

by Ángel Saxon