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A Poor Black Man, Suburban Mom, and Time Traveler's Guide to Art Basel

Tiny milocapture Milo
December 03, 2016
567


It’s Art Basel 2016! That means there are a thousand art exhibits for you to avoid at all cost attend. But how are you to decide what to do? Well, if you are a hot 20-something or a rich 40-something, then the Miami New York Tropic Herald Times has plenty of advice for you. Real hip and classy events where you might run into Gloria Estefan’s son (You went to Gulliver with him, right? Have you been to one of his movie screenings?) or a Miami DDA member. But what are the rest of us supposed to do?

The Plantain has put together a guide to Art Basel for those that are perhaps not the intended audience for the international art festival.

A Poor Black Man’s Guide To Art Basel: In our post-racial society, poor black men have literally unlimited options when it comes to enjoying this year’s Art Basel festivities. They can avoid the increased police presence around the new fancy parts of their neighborhood or…uh…stand in front of the convention center and wait to be asked if they’ve seen Moonlight (they haven't).

Look, poor black people of Miami, Art Basel is an event designed by and for rich white men. Sort of like America itself. What’s worse is that events like Art Basel, and the general luxury lifestyle brand the cities of Miami and Miami-Beach have worked so hard at cultivating are the exact reasons why your communities are being destroyed by overdevelopment and literally no one can afford to live here anymore.  Our recommendation is that you go down to your grandma’s house and ask her to show you photos of the neighborhood from before people were trying to build a Nordstrom there. $

A Suburban Mom’s Guide to Art Basel: Let’s face it, getting to the Beach from Pinecrest is going to take too much time, even if you are going against traffic. Lucky for you there is an “exhibit” of local artists at the Suniland Cheese Course where you and your husband can go Friday night. He’s running a bit late because the traffic on US 1 is terrible, but don’t worry, you can use that extra time to craft the perfect #ArtBasel Facebook post and to learn a little more about the imported Gouda the restaurant is sampling. $$

A Time Traveler from 1944’s Guide to Art Basel: We get it, you were inadvertently frozen while fighting Nazis and reanimated in 2016 and sent home to Miami Beach Captain American style. We’re sorry your parents are dead and your girlfriend married that jerk Harold Kazelbaum and is also 82 now and pretty dried up. But the good news is your young and in military shape and have $82,000 in war bonds to blow on some art. That kind of dough will get you into a lot of doors during Basel, but we suggest you head over to Virginia Key (it’s not segregated anymore) to admire the City’s eroding coastline while you still can and save that money for the therapy you’re going to need when you hear about who just won the election. $$$

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