David Bowie Resurrects, Dies Again to Cap Off Worst Year Ever
The BBC is reporting that legendary singer David Bowie, who passed away in January at the age of 69, resurrected late last evening only to immediately die again in what is being described as the ultimate dick punch to end the year. "This year has been so bad," said everyone loudly in unison, over and over, for several months now. "I really didn't think it could get any worse. But then David Bowie goes ahead and dies again. I was just getting over his first death."
Worldwide tributes and memorials to the singer are once again being planned. The Plantain spoke to a local David Bowie fan outside of Sweat Records to ask how he felt about the singer's untimely second death. "Oh it's just so sad," said David Newcastle as he avoided eye contact with a man in an orange vest asking for a few bucks to keep an eye on his car while it was in the record store's parking lot. That man, Curtis Harden, told the man who ignored him “God Bless” as he slowly limped back toward the entrance of the parking lot to wait for another car to pull up.
We asked Mr. Harden his thoughts on Mr. Bowie's again-death and whether it was symbolic of the universally understood awful year we have all just had. "Sure, it's sad when anyone dies. But Bowie led a good life. Two of them, in fact. I'm not too sad about his death," said Mr. Harden who went on to say he was more upset about the death of Clarence "Blowfly" Reid who died a few days after David Bowie to minimal fanfare as well as the dozens of murders we have had on our streets in the last year.
At this point, Mr. Harden strayed a little too far from the whole "David Bowie/Worst Year Ever" angle that my editor says sells papers, so we parted ways and I went inside Sweat Records to ask its customers how they were coping with the year we have had and also to see if they had any copies of Dr. Dre's The Chronic or Outkast's Acquemini on vinyl (they did, tons of them).
“This year has sucked, I guess,” said 34-year old Hector Douglas as he browsed through the store’s used records for something he thought would impress the store’s clerk. “But what I’m really worried about is what if 2016 wasn’t the worst year ever, but the last good year ever,” said Mr. Douglas before adding “hmmmmm” in an altogether condescending way that undercut his point before repeating the same line to store clerk Alison Caccamo while trying to engage her in a conversation about Pavement. “Yeah, they’re good dude,” said Ms. Caccamo disinterestedly as she rang up the half-dozen used Eagles albums he was buying along with a new pressing of a Circle Jerks album that he figured Alison would totally dig.
“Have a good day bro,” said the tattooed shopgirl as he handed Mr. Douglas his records.
“You know, I was listening to Jello Biafra’s spoken word al…” said the man before he was interrupted:
“Have a good day,” repeated Alison before she walked toward the store’s wall of records to once again alphabetize the absurd number of Flaming Lips albums the store carries.