Trump on Illegally Doing Business with Castro's Cuba: "That Makes Me Smart!"
According to a report by Newsweek, interviews with former Trump executives, internal company records, and court filings reveal that in 1999 “a company controlled by Donald Trump secretly conducted business in Communist Cuba during Fidel Castro’s presidency despite strict American trade bans that made such undertakings illegal.”
Political pundits are predicting this scandal to be a major setback for the Trump Campaign, but, in typical Trump fashion, the candidate sees the revelation as a positive and an example of his business acumen. When asked whether he admitted breaking federal law by doing business in Communist Cuba, Mr. Trump not only admitted it, but said that doing so “makes me smart,” adding in an undiagramable sentence that he is “very, very rich and has some of the best assets in the world--other companies are run by people who may be nice guys, I don’t know, they may be nice guys, but are probably absolute morons if I’m going to be honest, morons with fat wives who dumbly followed federal law and don't do deals, great deals in fact, with communist murderers, who, by the way, are much stronger leaders than Barack Hussain Obama, and also my son is very good at computers.”
This is not the first time that Mr. Trump has countered his doubters by attempting to recast his questionable business and political decisions as moves of veiled brilliance. Last month when asked if he regretted disparaging the parents of slain Muslim-American soldier Humayun Khan, the billionaire said doing so was a “tremendously smart move. In fact, many people are saying it could not have been smarter. People on the street, normal, typical American people wearing hoods and holding burning crosses come up to me all the time and tell me how great that was.”
While political pundits predict the revelation that Mr. Trump broke federal law, yet again, for his own business interests will spell trouble for the campaign, Newsweek's report has been widely denounced by Trump supporters who see it as yet another inappropriate attempt by the media to try to interject facts into their election coverage.
“It’s just typical of the media, such as, to try to paint Mr. Trump, such as, a criminal just because he broke the law,” said retired 62-year-old factory worker Hawthorne McClatchet of Melbourne Florida as he returned to his car with several boxes of generic cola outside of a local Super Walmart. “When will those so-called “professional journalists” learn that there is literally nothing Donald could do or say to lose the votes of his supporters,” asked the man rhetorically as he placed a cigarette beneath his nasal oxygen mask.
The Plantain spoke to dozens of Cuban-American voters at Versailles Restaurant this morning to get their take on the controversy, and was genuinely shocked at the continued support many of the staunch anti-Castro diners had for Mr. Trump. “It was a brilliant move getting Castro to do business with Trump,” said 66-year-old Alejandro Gonzalez, interrupting a heated conversation about his granddaughter’s decision to marry her fiancé, a Nicaraguan, with several friends over cortaditos, “Good luck getting paid, Fidel!” laughed Mr. Gonzalez. “Trump never pays! Not his gardener, not the architect, and not the dictator!”
Seizing an opportunity to turn the potential negative story into a positive, Mr. Trump took to Twitter to assure supporters: “I’m a genius! No one is as SMRT as me!” That tweet was later corrected to include the proper spelling of the word smart.
Meanwhile, when asked if it was wise for Mr. Trump to do business with Castro’s Cuba, Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson sat silently for a few minutes before asking “Who’s Castro and what’s Cuba?”
By Daniel Jimenez of Villain Theater