The Plantain
latest

The Plantain's Guide to Surviving Thanksgiving

While the country settles into the acceptance that reality is what it is, American families are preparing themselves for that most hallowed and stressful of this nation’s traditions: Thanksgiving. Flights are booked, turkeys are getting goosed, and pharmacies across the nation are unloading Halloween candy at deep deep discounts.

Every Man Preemptively Fired From Job

The entire American male population was preemptively fired earlier today from all of their jobs over eventual reports of their sexual misconduct. "We just thought it would be faster to do it all at once rather than let the stories about how terrible everyone has been forever slip out one

Wynwood's KUSH Rebrands As Russian Spy Lounge KUSHNER

Wynwood favorite "Kush" has undergone some interesting changes recently, comrade. The “new American” restaurant known for local organic ingredients has been rebranded "Kushner", a lounge for vacationing Russian spies. The new concept has replaced American staples with Russian lounge favorites such as caviar, beef stroganoff, and pickled herring. Cocktails at

$250 Million "Luxury" Express Road Approved for Miami Beach

Capitalizing on Miami's ongoing fascination with driving poorly, spaghetti interchanges, and beeping at cyclists, soon-to-be-former Miami Beach Mayor Philip Levine and City of Miami Mayor Tomás Pedro Regalado jointly announced today the construction of a new 4-lane interstate class express road. Unlike other express lane construction in Miami-Dade, including the