Drunken vagrant Carlos D. Michaels, 51, has been tapped by Miami-Dade County to head its Transportation and Public Works department. “GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME,” slurred Mr. Michaels when asked to comment on his new position, adding “I DON’T KNOW YOU! I DON’T KNOW YOU!” as he took a swing at this reporter before tiring himself out and falling back asleep.
Mr. Michaels’ appointment is being universally lauded by those who know him. “Carlos is so great,” said 25 year old Nadia Jeshri as she entered the Metrorail and greeted the vagrant as he peed himself. “Every time I get on the train and he is there it’s so exciting. It’s like I’m in New York,” said Ms. Jeshri as a urine soaked Mr. Michaels walked over to her seat to burp in her mouth and then comment on the size of her butt. “Such an authentic City experience,” gushed Ms. Jeshri as she turned her head to stare out the window and pretend like what just happened was no big deal, just like a real New Yorker.
Mr. Michaels is expected to bring widespread reforms to the Miami’s public transit system, promising to extend the metro’s hours so “people could get some goddamn sleep” and connecting downtown Miami to parts of Miami-Beach, which he admits he won’t even try to do but says that it sounds pretty good before he started crying to himself and screaming for someone, likely from his past, named Myrna.
Mr. Michaels will begin next week and will be assisted by new Deputy Transit Director Man Nonchalantly Playing Trap Music On Speakers So Everyone On The Train Can Hear, and Undersecretary of Transit 28 Year Old “Teenager” Raising Money For His Football Team.