Publix Supermarkets has opened temporary rear entrances to its South Florida bakeries to cater to Passover scofflaws seeking bagels or other doughy treats during the traditionally bread-free week.
The new entrances will also enable quick access to selections of non-bakery items for Jews who want to enjoy chametz snacks such as Oreos, Uncrustables, or Publix subs without receiving a stern lecture from irate family members or religious leaders.
"If my wife or someone from shul catches me eating a sub in here, I'm—pardon the expression—toast," said Ira Silverstein, 58, of Aventura.
Plantain reporters also spoke to Amanda Klein outside a Weston Publix, who revealed she was returning to the store tomorrow for some ham croquetas, a "double foul" according to her rabbi, and a "triple foul" according to her mother, who insists the single 33-year-old accountant "watch her figure" because she "isn't getting any younger."
The supermarket chain has set up an encrypted email server and anonymous phone number to facilitate pre-orders. It will also package bread products purchased at its rear entrances in empty Manischewitz Matzoh boxes to help conceal its customers' goyish behaviors.